Mary

I'm bad

2011-07-20T00:04:00.000-07:00

I think I may have postpartum depression.
There, I said it. Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards beating it, right? Now I just have two more steps: kicking its butt, and celebrating its demise with a refreshing can of shasta.
It's not that I'm depressed, I've just been kind of moody lately. It all started a couple days ago when I went to the theater and, what the heck?! there was this HUUUUGE line. People were camping out, waiting to buy tickets. So okay, I wait too. Thirty-four hours later I get to the ticket counter and guess what, Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer isn't even playing at this theater!!! Every single screen is showing Harry Potter and the Itchy Sweater, or whatever it's called. (hate those movies) So, of course I'm more than ticked off and I just can't wait for all these people to leave so I can come back and TOILET PAPER THE WHOLE PLACE! HA!
Then, I take all the kids to the park and this lady comes up to me and looking at Lil'ollie says, "awe look at those cheeks, I just love them! SQUEAL!" (yes, she actually shouted the word squeal)
I just smile and say, "Then why don't you MARRY THEMMMM!!!"
Then I tried to throw a handful of grass at her, but it was windy and it all just came flying back in my face. But I don't even care because I like grass, so whatever.
I thought going to church would cool me down but things just got worse. I guess I don't really like people pointing out the chubbiness of my children, because another lady came up to Oliver and me, poked his tummy and said "Oh Mary, you must be feeding him pure cream."
After I fake smiled at her I told her, "No, not cream, just bottles full of bacon grease."
Then I grabbed the hymn book and... started singing The Battle Hymn of the Republic.
I've been extra lazy these days too. Yesterday I was upstairs lying on the floor, watching the kids fold my laundry, when I realized I was kind of hungry but I didn't want to go downstairs (that's where we keep the food). So I looked down at my chest and wondered if I could sustain myself for the rest of my life on breast milk alone. Why hadn't I thought of it before? When I'm hungry I drink the nutrient-rich milk thus making more and more milk, forever. Awesome! But I couldn't reach, so I ate a couple fingernails instead.
And when I finally did make it downstairs I discovered my laziness knows no bounds. You see, we're in the process of buying a house, we're actually signing the closing papers tomorrow, but I'm not too thrilled about all the work that needs to get done. So, as I was cutting into a crescent roll I thought to myself, if I just cut my hand a little bit I won't have to help with the move, a little pain is worth not having to do any of the work right?
Wrong, I decided.
I didn't do it.
Mostly because I was still really hungry and didn't want to get blood on my roll. Breast milk and fingernails are okay, but blood?
Disgusting!
Sorry to offend any vampires or vampire lovers out there... wait I'm not sorry, you all disgust me! Shame on you!
Twilight's dumb.
the end

P.S.

I know!

Adorable.
It's almost one in the morning and I'm pretty sleepy, but all I wanna do is wake him up and play.

My Very Own 16 Pound Baby

2011-07-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

People love giving advice and Mary (that's me) loves taking it.

When Evan was a baby we were living in China and people would tell us that if we wanted Evan's head to be handsomely flat, we should make him sleep on a board. Too bad it didn't work though, stinking liars.

When Meici was born it was the dead of winter so I mostly stayed home. I got a lot of TV advice though, and ended up buying a magic bullet, an ab rocket and a couple cans of spray on hair.

This time around people keep telling me that I need to "sleep when the baby sleeps." This is a tough one because the baby sleeps like 20 hours a day and I can only manage 17 hours, 18 tops, before I just have to get up and do something.

What baby you ask?

That's right, I haven't introduced you to him.

Pardon me.

With all the sleep a new baby brings there's not much time left for blogging.

So... after three months of pushing, here he is:

His name is Oliver and his neck folds smell like a caesar salad.

He's Late

2011-04-04T18:10:00.000-07:00

Well my due date came and went without so much as a braxton or a hicks. So I'm being induced Wednesday night. I haven't blogged much during this pregnancy, mostly because I left my laptop on the floor five months ago and haven't been able to bend over to pick it up since. That's me. I know I'm huge, and it doesn't help that my new favorite pizza topping is another slice of pizza and the only thing that helps me sleep at night is a nice warm glass of melted butter. I still have so much I want to blog about, but Dancing With the Stars is on so I gotta go... go turn the TV off that is. HAHA! ROASTED!

This is Not My Fault

2010-11-23T08:53:00.000-08:00

It's still November, isn't it.

MEICI!!!

A couple weeks ago I asked her how many days were in November and she told me twelve. So I thought, write every day this month? No problem, I'm almost done.

Then I come back to my blog to write an awesome post about the ghost we captured in our coat closet and, what the date?! It's still November!!!

Why would she lie to me?!
I just don't understand!

I'm thankful we have snow outside so I can shove it down her shirt.

This Room Smells Really Bad

2010-11-12T13:45:00.000-08:00

Today I'm thankful for my laundry machines.

I just love laundry!!!

Wait... not love- HATE, and not laundry- that guy next door with the loud music.

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say: I'm thankful for the guy next door with the loud music.

Okay, wait.

Let's start over.

I'm thankful my laundry machines are eating the guy playing loud music next door.

Ummm...

I shouldn't be aloud to sign into my blog account under these conditions.
I'm blogging on very little sleep.
Evan was up all night puking on the floor.
And I was up all night staring at the puke and wishing very hard that it would just vanish all by itself.

And IT DID!!!

Either our carpet is very absorbent or I have an awesome husband.

This Land is My Land

2010-11-11T16:24:00.000-08:00

America, you rock.
I am thankful everyday to be a citizen of this country. And this country would be a heap of trash if not for the men and women who constantly defend its rights.
Thank you veterans you deserve respect from us all... and also your very own yacht.

I love being an American. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! That's why when people in China told me I couldn't be American because I didn't "look American," I would immediately start break dancing, eat a Big Mac in one bite, and then beat those fools up three stooges style while singing Mmm-bop by Hansen.

"AMERICAN ENOUGH FOR YA, PUNK!"

This is More Important

2010-11-10T18:57:00.000-08:00

I finally get a moment to sit down with the laptop and here comes Meici. She sits next to me and whines, "Mommy, my tummy hurts, will you rub it?"

"Just a minute, Meimei."

She sighs and says to herself, "You can rub the computer's tummy but not mine."

I shut the laptop and start rubbing.

I'm thankful kids are so forgiving.

This Baby's Name

2010-11-09T15:42:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful my kids have such amazing parents who always keep their promises.

I told Evan that if the new baby is a boy, then he gets to name him. I won't go back on my word even though Evan is pretty determined to name his little brother Popeye, that's fine. We'll just call him by the middle name Meici chose, Carlos.

Popeye Carlos Tong, sounds like an astronaut's name.

And just to show Evan that we respect his decision, we purchased our first baby item for little Popeye.

This Diagnosis

2010-11-08T12:28:00.000-08:00

So grateful for modern medicine today!

I've been feeling really sick and tired lately. My stomach is getting bigger and I swear there's something moving around in there.
So I went to my team of doctors to see if they could figure out what's wrong with me. They all agreed that I must be on the tapeworm diet, because they all had cousins with the same symptoms and they were all on the diet.
I told them that I had, of course, thought about using a weight loss worm but I could never actually go through with it. I have trouble enough swallowing regular worms let alone tapeworms.
So that couldn't have been the problem.
My doctors were stumped and told me that maybe I should consult a real doctor because they wanted to get back to their soccer game and that when I see the doctor he's probably going to want to be paid with real money and not a bunch of broken crayons like I had given them.
I was a little confused.
I looked down into my purse and saw that it was filled with broken crayons. What happened to all that cash I could have sworn was there a second ago.
Then I looked around me and realized that these "doctors" were a bunch of kids wearing white soccer jerseys playing on a field.
Weird.
Add hallucinating to my list of symptoms.

So today I went to a real doctor and after a little pee test I was diagnosed with pregnancy.

"Congratulations you're pregnant!" the doctor said.
"Huh?"
"You're with child."
"No, I'm pretty sure I left the kids home."
"You've got a bun in the oven."
"uh-ven?"
"You've got a freaking baby growing in you!"
"Huh? What kind of baby? Like a Baby Ruth, because I hate those."
"YOU IDIOT, YOU'RE PREGGO!!!"
"Ohhh.... you mean preggers. Why didn't you say so in the first place?
YAY!
That's awesome!"

Turns out there's a little baby inside me, the boy kind of baby!!!

Due to arrive April 2, 2011.
Crossing my fingers he'll be a day early!

This Movie Review at the Pulpit

2010-11-07T13:05:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful that I can finally stop wondering what that Johnny Depp movie, Blow, is all about. Because today someone summarized it, in great detail, to me and the rest of the church congregation during testimony meeting this morning.
It was lovely and inspiring. I strongly felt the urge to walk up to the pulpit myself and share my testimony of the movie Wild Hearts Can't be Broken, but time was running short so I'll have to wait for next month.

This is Meh

2010-11-06T20:54:00.000-07:00

I'm thankful this day is just about over and that at least nobody threw rocks at me... very hard anyway.

Good night.

This No-School Day!

2010-11-05T07:59:00.000-07:00

I'm incredibly thankful Evan doesn't have school today.
Yesterday he told me something that happened during lunch that made me never want to send him again.
He came home from school and told me he was hungry. I asked him what he had for lunch and he said, "We had ravioli, but I could just eat the bread."
"Why?"
"Well, I wanted to eat the ravioli but I didn't have a fork"
"Oh, well why didn't you ask a teacher?"
"I did, but she didn't hear me, so I just ate my bread."

I then gave him his entire bucket of Halloween candy and let him eat as much as he wanted.

In the defense of the lunch ladies, the school cafeterias are pretty noisy, and Evan does talk very quietly, and is not at all pushy or aggressive or demanding. If there's something he wants badly enough, he's only willing to ask once or twice for it before giving up.

This Mini Me

2010-11-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

I'm thankful to have a daughter who acts just like I did when I was her age.

Meici loves being annoying. She is constantly talking or singing or meowing.
I was just like that.
But when I was a kid I got a lot of "Mary, can you just STOP MAKING NOISE FOR FIVE MINUTES?!!"
But Meici gets a lot of me conversing, singing and meowing back with her.

Meici always has a messy face and tangled hair. She can make a mess eating anything. Give her a single grape and somehow she'll end up all sticky.
If you look at pictures of me when I was little you'd think, whoa, since when do wolves know how to use cameras?
But instead of getting a lot of dirty looks from her family and hearing things like, "You're so disgusting!" and having a dramatic episode of my mom making her eat spaghetti properly (like with a spoon and fork and twirling) and her just crying and screaming, "I CAN'T DO THIS! IT'S TOO HARD! I HATE YOOOOOOU!" I just let Meici take her shirt off and go at it.

She loves teasing people, especially Evan. She will just follow him around and bug the crap out of him. She loves making him upset. Then she cries when he hits or pushes her away and is even happier when she sees him get in trouble.

She's really proud and always has to get the last word even if it's just under her breath, she HAS to say it.

Sometimes, when Meici is being particularly naughty or obnoxious. Zi just looks at me and says, "Now I know why your parents didn't like you."

And then I kick him in the gut.

I love that girl and wouldn't change her a bit.

This Oops Oh Well

2010-11-03T08:58:00.000-07:00

This must be the week after Halloween. You'll never guess how many candy wrappers I found in the dryer this morning!

TWO!!!

Today I'm thankful for the post options on my blog. I can make it look like this post was published on November 3rd when it was really published on the 4th.

Then, in a million or two years from now when dinosaurs come back and read my blog they'll think I really did accomplish my goal of posting something I'm thankful for everyday in November.

Hi dinosaurs, please don't eat any of my posterity.

This Guy I Like

2010-11-02T17:45:00.000-07:00

November is here, and so am I. So why don't the two of us get together and do something?

Because I don't want to!

Oh shut-up, November who asked you?

Anyway, I'm going to try and post something I'm thankful for everyday this month.
I've decided to start today, November 2nd, because I'm so sick of the number one always getting to start things.

Today I'm thankful for my husband.

Why? He doesn't even have a motorcycle?

Dude, November what is your problem?! Like you have a motorcycle?
HA!
All you've got is thanksgiving- a day known for heartburn and naps. Yahoo.

Sorry guys where was I?
Oh yes, husband thankfulness.

Here are a couple reasons why:

He's a genuine genius.
Ask him a question, any question, and without a moments thought he can answer it correctly.
Just today I quizzed him with a bunch of rapid-fire questions:

Q: Hey Hon, are you hungry?
A: A little.

Q: Have you seen my green jacket?
A: Sure, lots of times.

Q: Did you return the redbox movie?
A: Uh-huh.

Q: Ew-gross, what's that smell?
A: Dinner.

See what I mean? Total smarty pants.

He's also an AMAZING driver! He can do a u-turn even when there's a sign that clearly states u-turns are impossible.
He decides what's possible!

He says things like, "Will you turn the frosting on?" (he meant to say defrost)

Ummm..... that's all.

Halloween 2010

2010-10-31T16:24:00.000-07:00

Never take a nap the day after Halloween and leave your kids alone, unsupervised with the candy like I just did.

It's a good thing I took all the good stuff for myself yesterday or I'd be really upset.

We all had a great Halloween this year.

Evan was Luigi

And Meici was Hello Kitty

I made her hat with my very own crochet hook. It was the third thing I've ever crocheted.

This was the first:

This the second:

And finally, SUCCESS!!!

See kids, practice makes good enough.

My kids love me so much. When we went trick-or-treating they asked me why I wasn't getting any candy; I started crying and told them that I guess nobody likes me. They both shouted, "WE LIKE YOU, MOM!!" and handed me over their buckets.

About twenty kids showed up at my door around ten o'clock Halloween morning. They were all dressed as kids who had just woken up, wearing their pj's and milk mustaches with lucky charms stuck to their faces. I told them it was too early, I didn't have my candy ready yet, and to come back later.

I could have just given them some candy but I hadn't sorted it out yet.

I bought a huge bag of fruity tootsie rolls

but still needed to pick out all the nasty vanilla ones to give away.

I didn't want to accidentally hand out a delicious lime or orange candy, I just love them so much.

Today when I went outside I saw a couple pieces on the ground, unopened.
I feel kind of bad, so next year I'll be sure to give out something good, like smarties or ramen noodles.

Happy Halloween!

School's Cool! Just Kidding it's Not.

2010-10-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

I broke every single chain letter I ever received as a kid. And now I think the curses are finally befalling me. Especially that one curse: If you break this chain your son will be the social misfit when he starts school.
Yeah, that one, I definitely should have sent that one off to five different friends.

Sorry, Evan it's all my fault!

Evan has been in kindergarten for about a month and a half now and things couldn't be better... academically.

Academically, Evan is a genius.

But too bad that's not was school is all about. School is about friends and recess and silly bands, all things Evan knows nothing about.

I went to parent teacher conference and was so proud of my little boy while his teacher was telling me how smart he is.

Then she talked to me about his social skills: he doesn't interact with any of the other kids, he only talks during one-on-one time with the teacher, and (this part made me cry) at recess he wanders around the playground all alone, talking to himself.

I can't say I was surprised.

I knew Evan wouldn't be as outgoing as the other kids; he's been incredibly shy his entire life. But he is the sweetest little boy I've ever known. And thinking of him being so lonely at school just breaks my heart.

Oh and school is ALL DAY!
Kindergarten is 7 whole hours long at our school, that's just nuts!
Poor kid.

I don't really know what to do. I want him to enjoy school and make friends and get invited to birthday parties. But so far his favorite part of school is lunch. When I ask him how school was each day the only thing he tells me is what he ate for lunch, and then makes me feel his muscles.
Hopefully things will get better, I don't really know what to do. How do you make a kid be friendly?
Maybe he just doesn't want any friends because he already has the perfect friend in Meici.

(Yes Evan attends Wayside School, thus the sideways stories.)

She's so sweet and prays for Evan every night. She also prays that all the little babies in the world will only eat tiny food and and not big food.

When I was a kid I used to pray that no bright glowing angels would appear to me while I was trying to fall asleep at night.

And they never did.

God answers prayers!

I Don't Think the Top Toppled.

2010-08-01T21:13:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure how to make the transition from controversial political post, back to the normal frivolous hogwash I'm used to spewing out.

So I'm just not gonna.

I'm renaming this blog: "Stuff Mary Thinks About Important Stuff Americans Can't Agree on Like Health Care and Immigration and Taxes and Abortion and Wars and Area 51 and National Treasure Book of Secrets and Stuff"

Next Topic of Discussion: Tibet

I think those people who demand to "free Tibet" need to brush up on their history and understand that Tibet has been a part of China for the past 700 years!!!

Or so my Chinese husband tells me, and he should know, he was educated for 14 years by some of the greatest and most loyal communist teachers the People's Republic of China have ever seen.

Here he is swearing his allegiance to the honorable Chairman Mao.

Yeah, he's got a pretty unbiased opinion.

So if you've got a "FREE TIBET" bumper sticker on your Prius, you might as well stick a "FREE HAWAII" one on there too, it's pretty much the same thing.

You can get one here.

But I agree that Hawaii should be free. Then a lot more people would travel there, especially poor people like me.

Poor people like free stuff.

Especially free tropical island stuff.

You know what else we poor people like? The free school lunch they serve across the street every day at school.

I don't go there anymore though, not because I'm rich now and can feed my kids my own sloppy joes, but because last time I went I got yelled at by a mean lunch lady.

Usually, after the kids are full, I finish off what's left on their tray.

I don't like wasting food because there are starving children in China and if I eat what I'm given then those kids don't starve anymore, I think.

So anyway, I was finishing up the goulash Evan didn't want when a lunch lady marched over toward me and told me to spit out what was in my mouth and to never take another bite because if the boss lunch lady caught me eating off my kid's tray, the whole free lunch program would be terminated.

I was pretty upset, but the police officer told me there was nothing they could do and that 911 should only be dialed in an emergency.

Whatever! I don't care anymore; I'm so done crying over this!

So now we all stay home and eat sandwiches. If the kids finish their sandwich, they get a popsicle. Now I've been finding half eaten sandwiches all over the house: in drawers and toy boxes and under couches. What a waste, I guess they don't care about the starving kids.

That's just how I feel

2010-07-18T14:52:00.000-07:00

If you live in Utah and watch the local news you've probably heard about "The List." Unless you watch the news on ksl 5 and Keith McCord happens to be anchoring, then I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about because you can't tear your eyes off Keith's dreamy mustache.
But if you watch the news on a mustache-free station, you must know what "The List" is. It's a list of names, phone numbers and addresses of alleged illegal immigrants living in Utah. It was sent to news stations and political leaders throughout Salt Lake City.

I don't usually have opinions about "important" stuff like this- ask me who should have won American Idol and I'll give you a detailed and intelligent response, but when it comes to immigration?
Shoulders get shrugged.

But as I read some of the comments about this story I started forming my own opinion, and my mind grapes began to ripen.
I've come to the conclusion that the majority of Utahns hate illegal immigrants and feel like they need to get kicked back to wherever they came from. They applaud and praise the people behind "The List" and think the law enforcement officials need to act fast in finding these aliens and encourage all other Utahns, if they are true Americans, to report anyone they think might be here illegally.

My opinion, just like the shape of my eyes and funny sounding last name, is definitely in the minority.

I know from experience how hard it is to come to this country legally. My husband is an immigrant (a legal one) and it took him over a year, and thousands of dollars to finally get his visa.
I also know several people with boat loads of money, clean backgrounds, and beautiful smiles who have tried over ten times to get visas, but get turned down each time, just because the visa interviewer wasn't in a good mood that day.
A lot of people say, we'll welcome you, just come here legally!
I don't think people realize just how difficult and expensive it is to come here legally.
You could save up your money for years and years and finally have enough for all the documents and paperwork, but then there's an interview process and most people get told no.
So if someone with great wealth can't even get into this country legally, how is someone with no worldly possessions at all supposed to get in?

THEY CAN'T!
It's IMPOSSIBLE!

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.

What happened to that mentality? I guess liberty has an expiration date.

America no longer welcomes the poor. If they did, coming here legally would be free of charge.

Think back to when your ancestors came to this country. Were they wealthy diamond mine owners who wanted to come to America because they were so sick of living in their many castles and bored of riding their solid gold ponies?
Probably not.
They probably sold everything they owned to start their new life here in America.
The people who came here, your family who came here, just wanted a better life.
The same thing is happening today.
These immigrants just want a better life.
Who are we to say, too bad so sad, get lost!

If you were living in a country stricken with poverty and were watching your children starve to death wouldn't you do just about anything to try and make their lives better?
If you saw hope, freedom, success and happiness just over the fence wouldn't you want to hop it?
You know it's illegal, you know it's wrong, but it's the only way.
So, you just go. You take a risk for your family, and you go.
Does that make you a criminal?
When you read Les Miserables do you hate Jean Valjean for stealing that loaf of bread? Are you glad that he went to prison? He stole some bread to feed his family.
He ends up being the hero of the story, not the villain.

Yes, I know, it's against the law, it's illegal
But there are a lot of crazy laws out there that I don't think are such big deals and need to be changed.
Did you know in Alaska it's against the law to look at a moose from an airplane?
That's just ridiculous.
And so is not letting people come to America unless they pay their entire life savings to the government.

Frankly I'm flattered people are risking their lives and coming here illegally; it just shows what an awesome country this is.

I lied :(

2010-07-14T15:45:00.000-07:00

If you read my posts from a third party source like google reader or silent stalker you can't see my comment link.
It reads:
For every comment received Mary plants a tree... in Farmville.

I think this has made my mom a bit worried that I'm spending precious time Farmvilling when I should be doing more important things, like watching Glenn Beck.

But being my facebook friend, she should know that I am NOT playing farmville.

My status never reads:

Oh no! Mary just found a little lost bull while picking apples in her orchard.

Or

Mary needs four more nails to finish building her slaughter house!

Or

Hooray! Mary just butchered her first baby calf.

So it was all a lie; I don't really plant a tree when I receive a comment. But people should know by now that most of this blog is a lie.
Like I'm really going to stop haunting my great-great grandkids if they just read my blog? It's going to take a lot more than that to get rid of me- like some ghost pie or something.

But really, I have nothing against Farmville, the only reason I haven't started playing it is because I know I would love it and instantly become addicted, and then what would happen to my World of Warcraft comrades?

Wabi Sabi

2010-07-11T20:10:00.000-07:00

I used to be terrified of getting the death penalty. I mean, what am I supposed to order for my final meal? Sometimes I would lie awake at night, thinking of all the food I've had in my life, and realize that I've never had one dish worthy enough to hang out with me, partially digested, in my coffin.

UNTIL NOW!!!!

Now when I'm fighting with my husband and feel like hitting him over the head with a frying pan, I can actually do it and not just fantasize about doing it.

And I owe it all to Wabi Sabi, a new Japanese restaurant that just opened in Daybreak (South Jordan) Utah.

Holy cow this food is good!

Literally, HOLY COW- the beef is so good you'll start worshiping cows after your fist bite!

The sushi is insanely delicious as well. I bet the emperor of Japan himself doesn't eat food this good.

And I'm not just saying this because my brother owns this restaurant. I'm saying this IN SPITE of my brother owning this restaurant.
Remember that jerk who left a gift-wrapped pile of dog poop in my room?
Same guy.
He's a punk but he sure knows how to hire genius chef wizards.

All of the sauces, dressings and marinades are made from scratch. Really, they don't use any pre-made, bought-from-the-asian-section-of-walmart bottled stuff. This is unique and authentic miracle food we're talking about, exclusively at Wabi Sabi.

And don't forget to bring the kids. Studies have shown that trendy kids who eat sushi are more likely to become awesome when they grow up.

Another perk unique to Wabi Sabi is the sweet upstairs lounge area that can be reserved for large parties. Celebrate your birthday, your softball team's victory, or your softball team's defeat in style.
It's also a great place to host blog parties.
REALLY!
Let's have one there!

So come on down to 11274 Kestrel Rise Road Suite B South Jordan, UT, 84095

Tell them Mary sent you and get a free confused look from your waitress.

Christmas in July

2010-07-09T02:30:00.000-07:00

I just beat my kids at Candy Land!
It's their own fault though. I warned them that when we get to Candy Land they better not just run around like mad eating everything in sight.
But do they listen?
Nope.

We moved to a new place last month, right across the street from an elementary school. The school serves free Summer lunch every weekday. Evan starts kindergarten next month and whenever I ask him if he's ready for school he says, "No, I don't want to go to school, I'm not hungry."

Z turned 27 last month. I laughed at him all day because he's so old now. But then I remembered that I'll be turning 27 this year too.
Dang it.

We went to see Toy Story 3 for his birthday. Holy wow, that movie is intense.
Evan couldn't really handle it, after that screaming monkey popped up on screen he didn't open his eyes again until the end credits rolled, and then right when he thought it was safe to look, EEK there's that monkey again.

I really enjoyed it though, except for the ending. I thought Andy should have saved the toys to give to his future kids. Instead he drops them into the ocean and they get captured by a scuba-diving dentist. And then Potato Head searches the entire ocean for them and makes sea creature friends along the way. I guess it wasn't a bad ending, I just feel like it's been done before.

Check.

2010-07-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was a little girl I've always wanted to start a blog and then not post on it for the entire month of June.

It feels so good to have accomplished something I've been dreaming about for so long.

I have this other dream too, about this scary half TV half human creature roaming around my house and tending my kids. Well, I thought it was just a dream but then one day I heard Meici singing these songs:

So maybe it wasn't a dream.

Spooky right?

No more TV in this house. Nope, it's strictly video games and DVDs from now on.

What a weekend!

2010-05-11T14:24:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how you can go from feeling completely depressed and hopeless to feeling so much joy and gratitude in just a few days.

Thank you all so very much for your comforting words and emails, and even chocolate covered strawberries!

It helped more than you'll ever know.

And thank you to my sister-in-law, Tomoko, for taking me out shopping and to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. I had never been there before, but there was a two hour wait so I thought this place must be good.
It was!
And it made me feel more caucasian than I've ever felt before.

And thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for all your help with the Mother's Day service project.
It turned out fantastic!
Check out what a bunch of bloggers can accomplish.

This is all because of blogging!

Also a big thank you to Bath and Body Works. They were also making gifts for homeless women and gave us all the stuff they weren't using. So we got a bunch of free items and a big discount on the other stuff we bought.

Tomoko and I stayed up pretty late putting these things together. She's so creative and crafty and made everything look so cute.
I was planning on throwing everything into a walmart sack and tying it together with a twisty tie. But she suggested ribbons and colorful Easter grass, and it turned out great.

We were able to make 14 gift baskets, one for every woman living in the Rescue Haven shelter; no one was left out! The Bath and Body Works team donated to the YWCA.

Thank you all so much!

Now I guess I should jot down a few things about my Mother's Day.
It was fabulous.
Z took the kids Mother's Day shopping on Saturday. He let them choose anything in the store they thought I would like. Evan ran straight to the candy section and chose a bag of coconut m&m's for me because of the girl m&m on the front.

Meici had a more difficult time trying to find what I'd like.
Z asked her what she thought I wanted most in the whole world and Meici said, "a new BABY!"
So then he asked what's the second thing mom would like most, and she said, "a real kitty!"
She ended up getting me a cherry sucker.
I also got the food dehydrator I've been wanting.
It's awesome; I've been eating dried apples, kiwis, and mangoes all day.
I love my family and fruit so much!

I still think about the little baby that could have been.
But yesterday when Z told me his work would be having a Lagoon day next month, for a brief second I kind of got a little excited that I wasn't pregnant anymore. The last time I went to Lagoon was seven years ago, the day before I left for China to teach English, I haven't been on a roller coaster since.
I felt completely guilty for feeling that way so I said a little prayer to Heavenly Father and told Him that of course I would rather have another child than a day at an amusement park.
It's the truth, and I hope He believes me.

Anyway, thanks again everybody. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Don't ever come back and read this post, Mary! You're warning you!!!

2010-05-06T04:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was by far the worst day of my life. My eyes hurt so bad from crying, but I can't close them because the back of my eyelids are playing a horrible movie of what happened, and I hate horrible movies, especially ones that are based on actual events, and ESPECIALLY ones that are based on MY actual events.

I lost my baby.

Here I go again with the crying. And not just your average listening to an on-star commercial crying, this is major looking into the heavens and wailing type crying.
But I just can't help it.
It hurts so bad.

I was 11 weeks along. I thought I was out of the miscarriage woods.
I read somewhere that over 90% of miscarriages happen by week 8. I'M NEVER READING ANYTHING AGAIN!!!
I waited until week 11 to announce it. I went to other blogs and saw people posting belly pictures of week 5.
I thought everything was fine. I've never had any health problems or pregnancy complications. Plus I'm only 26.
I thought I'd for sure be bringing home a baby and nursing it my thanksgiving dinner milk.
I was this close from being done with my first trimester (THE WORST TRIMESTER!).
I was already thinking of names.
This baby was already a part of the family.
I already loved him (we kinda wanted a boy) so much.
The kids were so excited.
Evan would tickle my tummy trying to get the baby to laugh.
And now it's gone.
I went through the sick and nauseating first trimester and then went through, well... labor, I guess, it sure felt like it, but I didn't get a baby.
I had no idea how physically excruciating this could be.
Man, it hurt.
And now that the physical pain is gone there's more room for the emotional pain to roam around. And that's even worse.
For a while I thought I was dreaming, so I tried to fly, but I couldn't, then I knew it was real.
Right now I'm just trying not to think about it.
But little thoughts like, what would he have looked like, or images of Evan and Meici holding and kissing him keep popping into my mind and tormenting me.

While I was lying on my bed squirming in pain and texting my husband to hurry the freak home I noticed the Pollyanna DVD next to the TV. I was at the library the other day and checked it out for some reason, I hadn't seen it since I was a kid. I watched it the day before I miscarried. I remembered Pollyanna's little game she used to play called the glad game. When she was in a negative situation she would always look for something to be glad about. Well, I tried to play along and find the silver lining to what I was going through, but I couldn't.
So I shouted, "The townspeople of Harrington were right about you, Pollyanna! Your little glad game IS stupid! NOW GO AWAY!" and then the DVD hopped off the shelf and shamefully sulked out the door, and I got back to my squirming.

But then Meici came in and asked me what was wrong. I told her everything. I told her the baby died. And then without hesitation she said, "But mom, Jesus died too, and he came back, and the baby will come back too. Jesus is going to find our baby and say, 'Ooooohhh what a BEAUTIFUL baby!' and pick it up and carry it to you and say, 'here's your baby, Mary, he's back!'" She got a huge hug after that. Sometimes I can't believe she's only three years old. But most times I can.

Then my husband came home with the pads I told him to get. Only they weren't really pads, they were XL depends adult diapers. That made me laugh, something I thought I wouldn't be doing for a long time.
Then he held me and we cried together. And I realized what an amazing husband I have, he even offered to cook an eggplant dish for me because he says eggplant helps your body make more blood, and I had lost A LOT of blood, he's so smart (if he's right... I have no idea). It was 10:30 at night and we didn't have any eggplant so I said no. I told him I was going to miss all the special treatment I got while being pregnant, then he told me "You'll always be pregnant to me." If I didn't know him any better I would have been outraged and thought what the...? are you calling me fat?! But I know what he meant.

And then just a few minutes ago (holy smokes it's almost 5 am!) I went to the bathroom to change my diaper and found a big bug. Last week I would have run to my husband to kill it, but tonight I just looked it in its ugly face and said, "You think you can mess with me tonight?! You have NO IDEA what I've been through!!! You think I'm scared of you?! Not any more! I ain't scared of nothin!" Then I got a couple squares of toilet paper, really just a couple, grabbed the bug and threw it in the toilet, I didn't even squish it with a shoe first.

So you can come out now, Pollyanna. I guess you were a little right, it is possible to find some gladness in even the most dismal of situations.
I think I became a stronger person because of all this, at least bug-killing wise. And I love and appreciate my family even more now. I honestly didn't think I could love my children any more than I already did. But I do! I am eternally grateful for them and love them beyond words. This experience has made me want to become a better mother. Life is so precious, and I am not going to waste a minute of it.

P.S.
Remember the Mother's Day service project? You know how it was supposed to be an activity with my church? Well, there has been a separation of church and blog. The church is no longer involved, because of scheduling difficulties only. There were no free Saturdays in May (even though they told me to think of an activity for the first part of May, preferably something to do with Mother's Day) so they offered to move it to June. But I really wanted the women to receive these gifts on the actual Mother's Day holiday. So I told them I'd just do it myself with the money I've raised. So this project is entirely blog sponsored! Isn't it amazing what a bunch of bloggers can accomplish? I'm sure J.P. Blogspot would be proud to see his little business doing so much good.
I'm going shopping on Saturday so there's still time to donate if you want to.
Thanks so much to everyone who has already donated and linked.
They say service is the best cure for depression, so I can't wait to get started.

You Guessed It!

2010-05-02T18:35:00.000-07:00

Something weird is happening to me. My mustache is coming in extra thick but there isn't a full moon until the end of the month.
I guess I must be pregnant.

Morning sickness has been really clingy lately and looking at the computer screen seems to make my nausea ten times worse.

We want to move soon, closer to Z's work, so when I do feel well enough to get on the computer, it's usually just to check the classifieds for places to live.
We found the perfect place but the owner doesn't really like renting to Chinese people because the cooking is too smoky. Which was odd because the owner himself is Chinese. Anyway, I told him I do most of the cooking, and being an American my dinners aren't smoky at all, mostly just microwaved or delivered.
We still didn't get the place... bummer.

So that's what's been going on lately. I've been sick in bed while the kids continue to monopoly our walls (getting monopoly money wet and sticking it to the walls) when are they going to stop thinking this is so much fun?

Speaking of the kids, they already love this new baby so much, and are so glad I was outside riding my bike and accidentally swallowed a fairy and that now it's turning into a baby.

glamour shots that made me feel like a monster

2010-04-15T18:01:00.000-07:00

Kristina's always got something fun going on over at her blog. Today she's invited people to post their glamour shots. Since I'm always up for a chance to prove to people that I don't look like a male hobo everyday, I've decided to play along.

I have no idea where the actual CD is with all the pictures on it, so I had to take pictures of the little book that they made for us.

When the hairstylist was getting me ready for the first set of pictures she just stared at me at first, like she didn't know how she was going to make me decent looking.

Then she got an idea, she stepped over to the closet and pulled out a wedding beanie.

I thought that was kind of weird, but didn't think much of it.
Then for the next wardrobe and hair change the stylist stared at me again and started brainstorming.
Then she opened up her drawer and clipped on some fake bangs.

For the next few shots she had to consult with the head stylist. She brought her over and they both just stared at me. I heard one of them say, "Man her forehead is just so freaking big!"
They thought I didn't understand, did I mention this was in China? It was.
So that explained the beanie and the bangs, they were trying to cover up my monster forehead, but they were running out of ideas.
The head stylist took some hair way on the back of my head and pulled it up to cross over my forehead.

For the last session she just didn't care anymore, she pulled all my hair back and stuck a necklace on top of my head.

It was hard to smile.

kjanboiwub

2010-04-13T15:55:00.000-07:00

eemurjancy room I took Meici to
her mouth grows rash all over
doctor says
you need medisin liddel gril
meici transform-
now Jackie Chan
punch kick scream
Bam
pow
nurses put meici in strait jaket
no working
just spit out medisin
doctor says 2 more opshuns
1. very hurting injections
2. cream stuff rubby rubby
me thinks bad girl deservs lots pain
doctor says no no lets try oinkment
oh well
Meici slowly getting butter
me am sleepy
no pictures
too yucky
lots o'puss

Bit O' Honey

2010-04-08T01:53:00.000-07:00

This morning I asked Meici what she wanted for breakfast and she said, "SUNSHINE!"

I haven't been feeling well lately. I'm nauseous, tired and dizzy and I think I've been hallucinating, or maybe there really is a shark living in the toilet and a troll doll throwing markers at Evan.

My family are members of the Chinese Ward. We tell people we attend this ward because my husband is Chinese and it's a great way for him to stay in touch with his culture and language and be able to hear the gospel in his own tongue. But I think the real reason he likes the Chinese ward is because of the potlucks and the dragons.

Last Saturday Z and I volunteered at a soup kitchen, along with some other members of our ward.
Here we are, a bunch of Chinese people, eager and ready to serve the homeless.

I think when people started coming in and lining up they got really excited because they thought, from the looks of us, that they were getting chow mein, orange chicken, and mushu pork, or at least some fortune cookies.
Too bad it was just some bologna sandwiches. (I had to sing the entire oscar mayer wiener song to remember how to spell "bologna")

So what's with all the service stuff going on lately? Well, I have a new motto I've been trying to live by: What have I done today to deserve an extreme makeover home edition?

Meici was marching around the house today singing "I looked out the window and what did I see? Spongebob Squarepants, Spongebob Squarepants, SpongeBOB, SquarePANTS!!!"

It's 3:00 in the morning, and Z should be getting home from work pretty soon, he had to work the super late shift today. I'm staying up and waiting for him so I can kiss him good night and point out the dirty dishes he left on the table.

The other day Evan said to me, "Hey beautiful girl, have you seen my socks?"
If turning five means he just gets sweeter and sweeter, then I don't mind him growing up so fast.

Pho-tag

2010-04-03T11:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all the birthday wishes! I really did have a fantastic birthday, er... three and a half months ago.

Today's post is a picture tag from my new friend, AZLarson.
Here are the rules:
1. Open your first photo folder
2. Scroll to the 10th photo.
3. Post the photo & the story behind it.
4. Tag 5 or more people.

Here it is, me playing outside with my little brother, my little daughter and some neighbor kids.
I played night games with these kids practically everyday for two months while I was living with my parents. Sometimes these kids would come over and ask if I could come out and play, instead of my little brother. It was so much fun, I felt like a kid again, my dad even bought me a jump rope.
The parents of these kids were a little concerned that I, a grown-up with kids of her own, was spending time outside playing with their kids. And then Z came back from China and he would join us outside playing kick-the-can, hide-and-seek, Charlie-Charlie Butcher boy, Ghost in the Graveyard, and Capture the Flag. That made the parents really suspicious, now there were two grown adults outside playing with their kids. I was kind of offended that they were so worried, I mean it's ME, I'm awesome, and would never hurt any kid. I've had kids spit on me, back when I worked at a daycare, and all I did was say "Oh GROSS!"

Anyway, I guess I understand their concern, they knew my parents, but didn't really know me. And I guess it didn't help that during our water balloon fight, Z threw a couple balloons too hard and made some of the kids cry.
How would you react if your kids were spending time with a 20-something year old couple?

Yeah, now that I think of it, it is a little weird.
It shouldn't be though!
Stupid corrupt society we live in, can't even say, "here I come, ready or not!" or "olly olly oxen free" without getting looked at fishy.

Now I tag all the homeless mommies in SLC because they probably don't get tagged very often. But they will be getting some very nice Mother's Day gift bags thanks to all your help.
But I still don't have enough to get me into that dress, but don't worry there's still a whole month left to try.

Crappy Birthday to Me!

2010-04-01T01:36:00.000-07:00

I hate sharing a birthday with April Fool!

Nobody ever believes it's my birthday, and the people that do know it's my birthday always give me crappy presents. One year I got a wet rag, an empty box, and season 2 of Alf on DVD. And people think this is okay because hey it's April Fools Day anything goes.
I hate people!
If I don't get the new George Foreman USB igrill

or some Squeeze Bacon

this year I'm tearing up my birth certificate, which will make me disintegrate because it will mean I've never been born.

Girl Stuff

2010-03-31T16:21:00.000-07:00

I can see myself in my daughter more and more each day.

Like today, for instance, Meici's cousin came over to play and was trying to teach her a bunch of Hannah Montana songs and how to pose like a model.

Meici just didn't get it.

Meici's cousin would say "like this, Meici!" and then strike a pose.
And then Meici would just stick out her tummy and shout "Care Bears STARE!!!"

When I was about 10 years old I went to a friend's birthday party and realized I was different from all the other girls. As my friend was opening her presents I became extremely nervous and embarrassed. All the other girls had given her stuff like, make-up kits, nail polish, cute purses and mini backpacks, and jewelry. When it came to my turn I wanted to die! First of all my gift wasn't wrapped in cute pink birthday paper like everyone elses, it was wrapped in Christmas paper (the only wrapping paper my parents ever bought) and this party was in the summer. Second, my gift was a puzzle. A puzzle. A 500 piece puzzle of some cottage in the woods. Some of the girls snickered and rolled their eyes when they saw it but the birthday girl was so sweet and thanked me for the gift. It was pretty embarrassing.

It just went downhill from there.
And I blame it all on my mother.

She kind of made me feel like all things girly were the devil!
When I was a kid I took hulu dance classes, and one night right before a recital my friend's mom was putting lipstick on her daughter and then she came over and put some on me. I was terrified. I kept thinking I'm so glad my mom's not coming to this recital because she would kill me if she saw me wearing lipstick.
Or sometimes I'd go to a friends house and they'd be doing their nails and I would just paint my toenails and then wear socks when I got home so my mom wouldn't find out.
She never let me get my ears pierced (they're still not) and made me feel like anyone who did was a bad person.
And I remember shopping for my first bra, with just my dad and three of my brothers. I was so scared and confused and they just told me to go hurry and get one. I had no idea what I was doing; where was my mom? It was like she was against bras too.

Okay so I don't think she was really against all this stuff and thought it was bad, I just got that impression from her.
She just wasn't into that kind of stuff, and therefore didn't teach me about it.

And now Meici and I are going through the same cycle.
I still don't wear any make-up, or paint my nails, or do my hair, or wear clothes that match, or wear clothes that even belong to me.

This is what I looked like today:

Everything you see belongs to my husband.

I just hope Meici doesn't see this lack of caring about my appearance and take it the wrong way. I don't want her to think looking nice is evil.
I am doing a little better though, the other day I bought chapstick that was tinted pink! And I made that picture of me really small because I guess I really do care what other people think.
I'm just really glad Meici has an older cousin who will guide her through things I just don't understand, like leg shaving and mustache bleaching and purse carrying.

Thanks to all of you who have donated to the Mother's Day project. It was a cold and snowy day today and I couldn't help but think of all the people out there who don't have a warm home to take shelter in, and how I wish I could help out more.

Some Buttons and a Challenge

2010-03-29T22:45:00.000-07:00

Thar be some buttons for me service project!

Cute no?
I made them myself, which is probably why you answered, no.

And I have a little proposition to make.

If I can raise enough money to make just 15 baskets (see previous post), I will wear this dress to the CBC!

Did I mention I won the ticket giveaway!?
I'm so excited!

If this dress has been sold, I'll find a couple more dresses equal in cuteness and you can all vote.

I've caught the service bug, to which there is no cure... besides Satan.

2010-03-29T22:25:00.000-07:00

I had to give a stinking talk in church a couple Sundays ago. I was so nervous, and tried my hardest to get sick. I didn't wash my hands for over a week, I touched library books, I ate my entire bag of Halloween candy all in one night, I stood right in front of people's faces when they looked like they were about to sneeze, and I even took a walmart shopping cart to the back of the store and made out with it, darn those antibacterial wipes they have at every store, how's a girl supposed to get out of a talk with all the sanitizing going around these days.

So, I didn't get sick and now I'm actually glad I was able to give a talk, because I learned a lot. The topic was serving the poor and the needy.
Why is it so important to serve?
Well, we all want to be more like Jesus, right? Even if you're not Christian, you probably agree that Christ is a pretty great role model.
And how was most of Christ's time spent on earth?
It was spent serving.
Serving the sick, the hungry, the naked, the poor, the outcasts, the lonely, the sad,the homeless. Dude, we could go on and on. His entire life was dedicated to service. He also told us to love thy neighbor as thyself. Some people might think, well, I don't love myself at all, matter of fact, I HATE myself, and I guess you could be a little right, I mean, you must hate yourself a little bit if you spend your time reading my blog. But I'm pretty sure you love yourself enough to feed yourself, clothe yourself, shelter yourself, bathe yourself, entertain yourself, make yourself comfortable, try to cheer yourself up when you're feeling sad, or calm yourself down when you're feeling insane. So I think that's what Christ meant by love thy neighbor as thyself. Just genuinely care about others and try your best to serve them.

So how can I better serve others?

The blogging answer to this is HAVE A GIVEAWAY!!! YAAAAAY!!!

Here's the deal. You've been praying for opportunities to serve, right?
Well, Mother's Day is coming up and I'm in charge of putting together a little service project for the women in my church.

I've decided to make Mother's Day gift baskets for the mothers living in local homeless shelters and domestic abuse shelters.
My church's budget is tight and I want to make as many of these gift baskets as possible, so to enter the giveaway all you have to do is send me an item that any mother would like to receive in a gift basket, for example, your favorite snack or candy bar, or your favorite lotion- stuff like that. Or send an item on one of these urgent needs lists, published on the women's shelter website. Here's the list for the YWCA. (click on "wish list") This is the the list for The Road Home (click on "needs list"), and this is the list for the South Valley Domestic Violence Shelter.

Or you could donate a nickel or two or three or forty via paypall. Or you could just blog about this giveaway, or facebook it, tweet it, or yell about it in a crowded movie theater right before the movie starts. Or if you own a movie theater maybe you could donate some movie passes, or if you own or know someone who owns a restaurant or grocery store maybe they could donate some gift certificates to put in these baskets.

Come on people let's do some good, it's a wicked world out there, and I know God promised He would never flood the earth again but He didn't say anything about blizzarding it, or making it smell like feet or bringing back the dinosaurs.

And I know times are rough right now, believe me I know! My husband just started a new job last month after an entire year of being unemployed. A YEAR! With no income whatsoever.

But did you see the items that are needed? It's stuff like deodorant, socks, shampoo, lotion and underwear. You guys have got that stuff pouring out of your sinks, right? Well, I do anyway.

I feel really guilty about asking for help, especially since I didn't donate a snuggie to Kristina's snuggie drive, and I couldn't even go to her snuggie party because it was at a snuggie buffet and I can't even afford to snuggie get in. So I know it's hard to help out financially, but I did put her snuggie button on my side bar, and I have linked the word "snuggie" to her snuggies for seniors drive about 20 times in this one paragraph. So that's a cheap and easy way to help out.

If you'd like to donate an item just email me at imgoingtoemailmary@gmail.com and I'll email you back my address.
Or just donate via paypall, every penny helps.

If everyone who reads this just donates one dollar, it would double our budget. Two dollars would triple it and three dollars would... I don't even know, octuplets? Whatever, it would definitely give the budget stretch marks.
Oh and I almost forgot to tell you what the prize is for this giveaway!

Each person that helps out in any way, not just with this service project but with any act of service gets.........

one tiny step closer to becoming like our Savior!

What better prize is there than that?!

That last post wasn't about Evan's birthday at all.

2010-03-26T00:08:00.000-07:00

My last post was supposed to be Evan's birthday post, but I kind of got carried away with talk of aging and bad parenting. So here's Evan's real birthday post.

I wasn't just running around the house freaking out about having a five year OLD son. We actually did some celebrating too.
First we went to the discovery gateway museum .

If anyone wants to know what China is like just go to that museum on a Saturday and imagine all the kids have black hair, are speaking Chinese and have their crotchless pants tucked into their socks. I guess what I'm trying to say is that on Saturdays the discovery gateway museum is extremely crowded, as crowded as a Chinese subway station,

so pretty crowded, don't go there on a Saturday.
This picture was taken on a normal Sunday morning on our way to church, we had to hold our kid's hands really tight.

We took Evan, Meici and two of their cousins to the museum, but none of their parents. It was just me and Z trying not to lose four little kids. Holy cow we almost didn't succeed. We thought it would be easy, you know, I watch two kids, Z watches two kids, but there were hundreds of kids there, how are you supposed to know which one is yours, they're all about the same size and all have shirts on, so it's pretty tough.

Then we went to McDonalds and got all the kids happy meals.

I don't have the proof, but they really did get happy meals, I'm not a liar.

Then we came home for pizza eating, cupcake decorating,

present opening,

and pinata spatula-ing.

Pretty fun day.

I love this kid so much; he's the sweetest little boy I've ever had an epidural for. Just this morning while I was sweeping the kitchen floor he came in and said, "Wow Mom, it sure is clean in here. You did a great job, thanks so much for cleaning the floor."
So what if he didn't offer to help, at least he appreciates the work I do. He's going to make some woman very busy, but feel very appreciated.

He's such a great big brother too. He loves playing with Meici, even when Meici doesn't really feel like playing, he demands she play with him, or else...

He is also very obedient, whenever I tell him to clean his room he hurries to it without complaining, but then later when I open his jammie drawer I find all his toys that used to be on the floor.

Evan loves wearing hats.

Especially his army helmet. Whenever we're about to leave the house he says, "oh wait, gotta get my helmet." He's so cautious.

He wears it at the store.

Okay, so it's not really a "store" it's the DI.
What?
We go there to DONATE!
It's not like we bought all our dishes and furniture there.
we really did

He wears it to the library.

He wears it in the bathtub.

And he wears it when he goes dragon slaying.

He does not, however, wear it when he gets a hold of the camera and takes self portraits.

Happy Birthday Evan!

2010-03-24T12:45:00.000-07:00

Evan turned five on Monday, and I turned 68.
Five seems so old to me; I can remember being five, I can remember it! That means Evan will remember a lot of the stuff he's going through right now, this FREAKS ME OUT!
I can't use my he's-so-young-he'll-never-remember-this excuse when I laugh at him for losing at Candy Land, or when I turn the smoke detector on and yell "OH NO!!! It's the Monster alarm! Hurry kids run to your rooms and be very quiet so the monster can't find you! RUN! It should be safe to come out in about an hour or two, I'll let you know" because I want a moment of peace and quiet.
I can't do this stuff anymore.
I want my kids to think back on their childhood and smile, or at least shrug their shoulders and say "meh, I guess it could have been worse."
I don't want them to look back on their childhood and have to lock themselves in the dark water heater closet and have a good cry for the next 48 hours, like I do.

So, from now on I'm creating lasting happy memories for my kids.

Right after they finish their ramen noodles, that I so lovingly added frozen corn to, we're going outside on a bear hunt.
You know that little chant:

But we just substitute things like the tall grass, or the icky sticky mud, for things we come across on our walk, like:

Oh no! A dirty syringe! (we live in a questionable neighborhood)
Can't go over it.
Can't go under it.
Gotta go around it!

The kids love it.
bye.

AnthroPOOlogie

2010-03-19T13:56:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make: I am absolutely in love with all things Anthropologie!
For a while I would read people's blogs and they'd mention anthro, but I honestly had no idea what they were talking about.
So I googled it and discovered it was a clothing line, wow!

I searched the site and found out why everybody is so in love with these clothes.

Here are some of my favorite items:

So flippin cute right?
Sure, you could just raid your grandmother's closet, or go to the D.I. thrift store and find items similar to Anthro's,

but then you'd have so much money left in your bank account, you probably wouldn't know what to do with it all, so you'd end up buying something bad for you, like drugs or a lion.

Why pay $4 for this jacket at the DI

When you could buy this one for just $98.

These pants will also cost you $4.

These pants, just $48

This DI poncho? Yep, $4.

This one? $98!!!

And I would hate to see anyone pay the $6 it costs to buy this dress

When you could get this identical one for $178!!!
Imagine all the money you wouldn't have left to spend on drugs!

Even though my Anthro love is deep, I still don't own any of their pieces :(
This is going to be my first purchase:

It's only $188!
If I don't eat or pay car insurance for the next three months, this skirt will be MINE!

And I have just the top to go with it:

Cheerio Toes and Corn BFFs

2010-03-17T12:24:00.000-07:00

Me: Meici, why do you have cereal between your toes?

Meici: Because I don't have any pockets.

Me: Meici, are you ever going to eat that cup of frozen corn you wanted so badly?

Meici: I can't eat them, Mom, they're my best friends.

Pants, who needs'em.

2010-03-15T12:40:00.000-07:00

I was looking through all my old posts on google reader (yes I subscribe to my own blog, so what, It's the only way of knowing when my blog gets updated) and noticed a few things. First of all I noticed just how many posts I had on my blog (almost 200) before it got deleted by Evan. Then I noticed that I never really punished him for deleting it, so he's sitting in the corner right now crying and whimpering "why mommy, why?" Then I noticed that my kids often ran around the house pantless.

Here are some of my old posts to prove it:

Because when you live in MY HOUSE you obey MY RULES!

And when I say you can only eat macaroni and cheese with a Buzz Lightyear wing YOU BETTER ONLY EAT MACARONI AND CHEESE WITH A BUZZ LIGHTYEAR WING!!!
And thank you for following the pantless Tuesdays rule, love you Meici.

The Sweetest Sweethearts

My kids take the gold in the worlds best children competition! I just need to take a minute and say how proud and honored I am to have such a perfect son and daughter.
I mean, check this out. They are so awesome together, they play so well with each other and never ever ever fight. Look at how well they share this car. We only have one so they both ride it together, how sweet.

There is no greater big brother than Evan. Look at him take Meici for a ride.

Wheeee! That can't be much fun for Evan, pushing the car around the house and getting all tired but he still does it because he sees how happy it make his sister.
check out those smiles

I've never seen a better pair.

nothing ends a round of sibling playtime better than a great big hug. Meici is still screaming in excitement.

Have you ever seen a hug more full of love than this one. It makes me want to cry.

Some parents say it's hard to teach their kids to share but I have never had any problem with it. My kids share like it's their destiny. See how willingly Meici got off the car and let Evan have his turn.

Meici is so full of love for her brother that she just can't hold in the tears.

How did I get so lucky?

Evan

Evan confidently approached the worried crowd.

"Fear not, I will lead us to victory! If you follow me nothing can conquer us!"

"You?" one of the smaller ones squeaked "You think you can lead us to battle when you can't even put on your own pants? We'd rather surrender than suffer the embarrassment of following you!"
The mob roared with laughter.
It didn't take Evan long to shamefully go back to his place in line and wait for a more deserving leader to take charge.

Aww, that was pretty cute. Maybe I'll let Evan out of the corner in a few hours.

Kmart Gets Me!

2010-03-10T08:48:00.000-08:00

We were shopping for my nephew's birthday present the other day and had decided to go to Walmart. But lonely Kmart was right across the street with only a couple cars in the parking lot. We felt bad and decided to cheer it up with our business.

Kmart is AWESOME!

When your kids start taking things off the shelves and squeezing all the baby tummies and chewing on the plastic play food you don't have to pretend they're not your kids because there's no one around to judge you, you can just go ahead and let them do whatever.
You'd think it would be hard to pass off my kids as someone else's, but with all the Asian adoptions going on, my Chinese kids could easily be that white couple's Chinese kids

So we were strolling through the aisles when something caught my eye. Something that I have been dreaming about since I was a little girl, something I could be proud of, something I could relate to:

Barbie dolls with GIANT foreheads, just like mine!

Finally a doll that imperfect girls like me can see themselves in. I didn't buy them though, their waists were way too tiny. The monster foreheads and overbites are a good start, they just need to make them a little chubbier and add a couple hairy moles and maybe some snot on their shirts before I make a purchase.

I think Denise from The Lawrence Welk Show was equally as excited.

Mad Meici

2010-03-09T11:00:00.000-08:00

Meici was busy building a square,
made of chopsticks and tissues and also great care.

She was working so hard and when she was done
Evan jumped in her square, oh what a mean bum.

Poor Meici was angry and started to cry,
curled up on the floor and wanted to die.

Why wasn't mommy spanking her brother?
All she did was take pictures, what a terrible mother.

Fine then, maybe I'll just clean up this mess.
and your mothering problems, we'll never address.

I SWEAR, I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THOSE UNDERPANTS CAME FROM!!!

2010-03-05T08:56:00.000-08:00

I awoke this morning to my usual good-bye kiss from my husband, and also to a most unusual question, "Whose underwear is in the bathroom?"
ME: Huh? What? I don't know, good bye, have a good day.
Z: Whose underwear is that in the bathroom?
ME: Love you too, bye honey. (it was eight something in the morning and I still needed a good four more hours of sleep)
Z: I found some guys underwear under the bathroom sink, whose is it?"
ME still very sleepy: No, I don't think Evan wet the bed last night. Bye.
Z: Whose underwear is it?
ME: What? I don't know what you're talking about.

Z leaves to go get said underwear.

Z holding a pair of men's panties: I found this under the sink.

The first thing I thought when I saw the underwear was, holy crap there's a man in our home... and he's naked.
Then I thought maybe there's an underwear fairy that leaves underwear under the sink if you've been good and haven't wet the bed in twenty years.

Our conversation goes on for a while, mostly with me swearing I have no idea whose underwear it is or how it got there and him covering his face with his hands and shaking his head.

I tell him he has no reason not to trust me, he knows I would never cheat on him, especially with a guy who wears tighty wighties, and that the underpants are as big a mystery to me as they are to him.

He leaves to finish getting ready for work and I try to fall back to sleep, but I can't because there could be some strange man in our house or possibly a fairy.

Then I think, maybe the underwear was wadded up and stuck between some pipes under the sink and just fell down.

I get up to go check.

I was right, because look, there's more up there.

This place did have to get decontaminated before we moved in because it used to be a meth lab, so I know the people that lived here before were probably high all the time and maybe thought under the sink was the very best place to store their undies.

Or maybe the maintenance man gets good deals on fruit of the loom and uses that instead of pipes.

After this all got cleared up, I asked Z if he honestly thought I was cheating on him. He told me he knew I was telling the truth and just wanted to see how I'd react to all the accusations... yeah right.

So I asked him where he thought the underwear came from. He thought they belonged to my brother. He and his family just returned from a trip to Japan and we let them borrow our suitcases. He thought maybe my brother left a pair of underwear in the suitcase and I found it and thought it was so gross so I started running around the house holding it and shouting "EW! BROTHER-UNDIES! BROTHER-UNDIES!" and then just threw it under the sink.

I'm not going to remove the other underwear that's still stuck up there. I'll leave it for the next couple that moves in after us. Because every marriage deserves a little mysterious underwear party.

Before I Forget

2010-02-28T16:23:00.000-08:00

I hardly blogged at all during the year 2009. So I just want to hurry and type down everything I can remember about that year, before I forget.

January
Wow, it's hard to recall that far back, but knowing me I probably threw an amazing new year party with balloon animals, a live band and a few rounds of spin the bottle, which was a little bit awkward because all the guests were family members.
Or I might have just gone to bed early, forgetting it was even a holiday.

February

My husband was in China and I was living with my parents and celebrating Black History Month all by myself :(

March

My husband returned and Evan turned four.

I ordered a cake from walmart, hoping I'd have something worthy to submit to the cake wrecks blog, too bad the cake turned out pretty decent.

Blast that Walmart and their excellent customer service.

April
We arrived in China.

The kids kept asking when we were going back to Merica, and I cried every time I had to say "NEVER!"

May
I think we were still in China; it was really hot and humid and we seldom left the house, except at night to go to the night market and get grilled squid on a stick for the kids.

June
Z turned 26, I actually blogged about that one.

July
Drove past a restaurant and saw a dog and sheep being skinned.
Officially became a vegetarian.

August

Took a trip to Z's hometown to renew his passport.

Rode on the night train; the kids loved it.

See those big guys sitting over by the wall?

Yeah, they slept right above us, kind of scary. Surprisingly those beds are pretty strong. So if you're ever in the market for some bunk beds to put in your train, talk to China, they know what they're doing.

It was a lot of fun visiting Z's hometown. I've heard so much about it and it really is just as tiny and quaint as he said it was.

It's about the size of a football field.

September

The weather was cooling down so we went out a lot, on the bus.

Went to this kids play place a lot.

This enormous ball pit used to be a swimming pool.

Meici tried to win a pack of cigarettes.

I think she got addicted to all that second-hand smoke she was forced to breathe all the time.

October

Chinese calendars don't have the word "Halloween" written on them, so nobody knows that your supposed to dress up and give away candy. So the primary president got her apartment complex to participate in trick-or-treating. But I guess she forgot to mention you're supposed to pass out CANDY, not beef jerky, dried seaweed, and prunes. But the kids had a lot of fun anyway.

November

Said sayonara to China and Hola to America.

Before we left, Z ate his weight in silkworms.

December

Meici turned three.

Found a place to live in the same apartment complex as my brother and his family.

Spent Christmas with my family in southern Utah.

The cousins started a band.

Evan got kicked out of that band for creative differences.

Okay now that that's all typed, I can clear some space in my brain for trying to figure out what's happening in LOST.

I think I'm going to have to make more room.

Here's a memory I'm happy to clear out:

Once my brothers were all outside playing games and stuff and I asked if I could join them and they said no, so I ran inside and cried while watching them through the window, then they saw me crying and came over to the window, I thought they felt bad for me and were going to invite me to play with them but instead they all just started singing "How Much is that Doggy in the Window."

The CBC: 4 U not Me :(

2010-02-26T13:40:00.000-08:00

You know that Casual Blogger Conference thing everyone and their blog is blogging about?

Well, DO YOU?!

It's coming up, and the only way I'm going is if I'm able to win a ticket. Or if someone is willing to sneak me in their purse.

Okay, there's no way I could fit in a purse, maybe I could squeeze into a refrigerator box though, are we aloud to bring those?

I just can't afford a ticket right now, we're trying to save up for a Digiorno's frozen pizza, we want to see if it really is just like delivery.

So I keep entering ticket giveaways, but I never win.

This giveaway is my last chance.

If I don't win, I'm throwing my own blogging conference, except I won't call it a conference, I'll call it "A Blogger's Night of Awesomeness and Dynamite".

I'll teach everyone how to... like... um... change the color and SizE of their text.

Pretty sweet right?

and uhhh..

Yeah, I'll teach you how to post a picture.

Haven't you always wanted to know how to do that?
And if you sign up right now, I'll teach you how to turn that picture BLACK AND WHITE!!!

Check this out!

Yep, I got an A+ in magic.

Best of all, I'll only charge 170 dollars, five bucks cheaper than that other stinky blog thing.

But if I do win a ticket.

Then.... YAHOO!!! I WON!!! I get to go to the CBC!!!

HAHA losers that aren't going, hope you have fun all alone at home with your can of tuna.

Oh yes, Id be very excited if I won a ticket, but I'd be in awe if I got to win THIS GIVEAWAY,

A REAL. LIVE. LAPTOP!

My reaction would mirror this guy's,

So, to my dear friend, Random Number Generator:
Please pick me. I've got a really cute calculator I could set you up with.

And she's really easy to use.

That Was Depressingly Easy

2010-02-25T01:06:00.000-08:00

Up until a few months ago my whole entire family slept together in the same bed, every night. I thought I hated it, but now I kind of miss it.
It all started when I first brought Evan home from the hospital, almost five years ago. He was so tiny and sweet and the crib was so big and stupid, how was I going to let him sleep there.
I tried, I really tried.
I placed him in the crib and just stared at him for a long time. How could I just walk away and leave him there, all those feet away from me?
I've heard it's dangerous to sleep with newborns because you could roll over on top of them, but I was 100% sure I couldn't do that. I'm a very light sleeper; an ant blinking could wake me up.
So I picked him up, kicked the crib and shouted "YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!" and took him to my bed, where he stayed for the next 4 and a half years.
When Meici came along Z was determined that she would sleep in her crib. I told him if he wanted that then he'd have to go get her at night when she cried, bring her to me, let me feed her, and then put her back in the crib.
That lasted about three hours.
So Meici joined our slumber party.
It eventually had to end though.
I promised Z that when we moved back to America I would work on getting the kids to sleep in their own room. I was sure it was going to be a nightmare. I had seen so many episodes of Supper Nanny where the parents were trying desperately to get their kids to sleep in their own beds. It took those parents all night, many nights before they finally succeeded. The kids would scream and cry and keep getting out of their beds. It freaked me out! I didn't want to do it. But I had to.
So, one night I put the kids in their bed, they said their prayers, I read them a story and I hugged and kissed them good night. I kept telling them this is your room now, this is your bed, you have to sleep here from now on, and if you sleep here all night I'll give you so much candy in the morning your tummy will explode! I slowly backed away from them, whispering "caaaaandy, caaaaaandy."
I just couldn't stop talking,
"Stay here guys, okay?"
"Candy."
"Your bed now, okay?"
"Sleep here all night okay?"
"So much candy"
They both said "OKAY MOM, GOOD NIGHT!"
I finally went to my own bed and just waited; I knew they'd be trying to sneak into my room at any moment. But it never happened, they just went to sleep.
What's up with that.
Didn't they love me?
Then a few nights ago, after several months of them sleeping perfectly in their room, I said "Let's all go sleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed, yay! That'll be fun!"
So they grabbed their pillows and blankets and ran to our room, so excited.
We tickled and giggled and hid under blankets. It was so much fun to have them back. I thought, this must be what camping feels like.
Then we started settling down and getting sleepy. I was almost asleep when Evan said "Mom, can I go sleep in my room please."
That hurt.
"Of course you can, Evan. And go ahead and toss my heart in the garbage on your way there, it's broken anyway."
So, Evan left.
Meici held my face in her hands and told me that she'd stay with me.
That sweetheart.
But she left too, when she thought I was asleep.
All these years I thought they needed me so much. I thought weaning them from the family bed was going to be a huge horrible mess. I thought they'd cry and scream and miss me so much.
What happened to the days when Evan had to be holding my arm in order to fall asleep, my soft marshmallowy arm. And Meici would sleep by me on my other side and always make sure my head was facing hers. If I turned my head to look at Evan she'd grab my face and turn it back, I had to be looking at her for her to fall asleep.
But they haven't done those things in a long time. I guess they've been ready for this change for a while now.
This explains why I used to always wake up in the middle of the night and find Evan searching the internet for nearby hotels. Poor kid, maybe I snore, I know I'm definitely a sleep-kicker.
But the other night made me feel a whole lot better. I woke up to find one of my kids lying next to me. I'm not sure which one it was, it was still kind of dark, and they both have those same noses and eyes and horrible breath. But whichever kid it was, I was so happy it was there and that it needed me. Or maybe it knew that I needed him... it must have been Evan.

See, don't they look alike?

Just Some Stuff at Walmart

2010-02-20T00:16:00.000-08:00

I decided to check my blood pressure on one of those blood pressure checking machines. It came out 145/133! I was a little freaked out and decided I'd better check it again. The next time it came out as 120/69, much better. But which one should I believe?

Another weird thing was that the kids didn't want any of their usual wants. We passed the toy section and they couldn't care less, we passed the candy, the cookies, the crackers, the pudding, the hot dogs, the soda pop, and even the salad dressings and the kids didn't ask for anything! Until we got to the sugar. I don't know why, but they went CuRaZy when they saw the bags of sugar. They both ran up and down the aisles yelling "SUGAR!" Meici would not put down what she called her "sugar-baby." I don't get it.

Since Meici's always pretending she's a kitty, we bought her this little jacket.

That is how she smiles when I tell her to smile. I've got to do something about that.

While we were checking out, Meici got a hold of one of these power drinks, I asked her what what was inside and she told me a mermaid.

This is what we ended up buying.

Yes those are Boca burgers, because I'm a vegetarian. And yes, that is a whole entire roasted chicken because my husband is not. And yes, those are four cartons of ice cream because I'm not one of those healthy vegetarians.

I bought all that jello because I had to make this:

I stayed up until four in the morning making it. I was supposed to take it to a little church event the next morning but I didn't go because I was too tired from staying up so late making this

I was supposed to take it to a little church event the next morning, but I was too tired to even go because I stayed up so late making this:

I was supposed to take it to a little church event the next morning but I was too tired from making jello all night so we brought it to a different little event later that night at a friends house.

That's my husband at said event.

He's never afraid to be the first one to dig in when the host says "dinner's almost ready!"

There was a lady at this party that kept saying Z looked like a movie star. I completely agree with her. The first time I ever saw my husband I thought he looked just like this guy from Rush Hour:

It was probably because he was blond back then and holding a gun.

we promised we wouldn't get each other anything for valentine's day

2010-02-14T21:13:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day isn't a very big deal for my husband and me; we believe everyday should be a celebration of our love!

We don't buy each other chocolates or flowers, or make naughty coupon books, or say things like "Happy Valentine's Day!" or "I Love You!" Most Valentines Days we don't even make eye contact.

So imagine my surprise while I was sitting on the couch, minding my own business, when my husband hands this to me and says "Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetheart."

A glass of water with ice hearts!

I know~ how ADORABLE!

Sure, about 45 seconds before he brought it to me, I had asked him to get me a drink of ice water, and yes, the only ice trays we have are heart-shaped, but still... you gotta admit that's pretty... I don't know... sumthin.

Sigh...

Maybe next year he'll wash me an apple.

Hope all of you have a Valentine's Day full of ice cold hearts, like I did.

MY 17th POST!!!

2010-02-12T12:33:00.000-08:00

Today I celebrate my 17th post!
Seventeen is a very special number for me.

It's Evan's age: 4
and Meici's age: 3
added together
plus mine and Z's wedding anniversary date, the 30th
divided by how many hours of sleep I get each night: 11.5
subtracted by the number of good movies Nicolas Cage has made: 1 (Raising Arizona)
subtracted again by how old my psychic told me I'd live to: 13
plus the number of hours it took me to realize I should get a new psychic because my old one was just the neighbor's cat and charged way too much: 186
subtracted by the number of times Katie Couric interrupted my show just to tell me Bill Clinton had a little heart burn and was in the hospital: 4
multiplied by the number of times I've gone out on a Valentine's Day date: 0
plus my favorite number: 17
And there you have it lucky number 17!

I'm not doing the cliched giveaway to celebrate, instead I'm having a give(to-me)away.

Feel free to send me something.
Somehow.
I'm not giving my address out.
But I do expect presents.
Make it work.

JUST KIDDING!

I am having a giveaway!
Here's the prize

A slightly used tube of disgusting cherry chapstick.
I only used it once, last week, when my cold sore wasn't too bad, so no worries.
Or you could enter this slightly better giveaway, but you better not.

How Mary and Z came to be

2010-02-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

A few people have asked me how I ended up in China and met my husband. That story is not completely dull and meaningless, like most of my posts, so I was a bit hesitant to write it. But Valentine's Day is coming and I figured, hey why not show the internet a little romance. So here's my little love story.

Mary sat at the table eating a bowl of Cap'n Crunch cereal with crunch berries. It was all that seemed appetizing on such a hot summer night.
As she ate her cereal her brain gave her a brilliant idea (a common occurrence in Mary's enormous, geniusy brain), why not make a cereal with JUST THE CRUNCH BERRIES! What a great idea, she thought. I'll write to the cap'n first thing in the morning.

That was the problem with Mary, always putting her brilliant ideas off till morning, and before you knew it some other genius was writing to the Cap'n with the berries idea.

As she finished up her cereal and was looking at the bowl full of now pink milk, her father walked in.

Shoot! Dad's here, she thought. Now I have to drink my milk; he'd be so mad if he saw me pouring it down the sink like I usually do.

As she forced down the milk, trying not to think about the utters it came from, her dad asked her a question. "Would you like to go teach English in China for a year?"

Huh? she wondered. That just won the random question of the year award; would you like your picture included on your plaque or will your name be enough?
Okay Dad, she thought, I'll play your little ask-unusual-questions game. Take this:

"Would you like to run barefoot through a field of fuzzy Santa Claus beards?" she asked.

Her father didn't know how to respond; he was sure he had never told anyone about the Santa beards dream before. He brushed it off as a strange coincidence.

"Nate's work is looking for someone to go to China and teach English," he said. "Wouldn't that be an amazing experience? I think you should go."

Ah ha! Nate needs this eh?

Well, that was reason enough to turn down the offer. She still held a grudge against her brother for never taking her bowling, and for leaving a gift wrapped box of dog poo in her bedroom.

Without a second thought, she gave her father her answer: "No way, Jose!" she blurted out, then ran downstairs to her room, laughing hysterically.

Mary was the fourth of eight children, and wasn't really close with any of her siblings. When she was younger, her older sister had convinced her that she wasn't really part of the family and that her mom and dad found her in a dumpster behind a KFC restaurant, and the only reason they kept her was because she smelled like fried chicken, and as soon has the smell subsided they would kick her out. Mary spent most of her childhood trying to discover what the eleven secret herbs and spices were that Colonel Sanders used in his recipe so she could make a soap out of them.

Wow, this is getting long. I'll have to break it up into chapters, let's call this one, Chapter Spaghetti. Stay tuned for the next chapter... next Valentine's Day. Aw, who am I kidding? I'm never going to finish this story. I'm not very good at finishing things, just ask my daughter's hair full of two-day-old shampoo I have yet to rinse out.

Crime and Punishment

2010-02-04T15:48:00.000-08:00

I'm a strong believer that the punishment should fit the crime. That's why when my kids get creative with their disobedience, I get creative with my discipline.

Sure, I give out your average everyday punishments for normal childhood naughtiness.

Like, for instance you hit your sister -you get a spanking, or you draw on the walls- you get your hands tied up for three days, you don't put your books back in alphabetical order- you have to bake me a cake.

You know, the stuff every kid has to go through.

But when my kids' naughtiness goes beyond normal childhood behavior, I take abnormal parenting action.

Like today Meici decided to shove her sandwich crusts down the bathroom sink. Very creative, Meici.

So I decided it was time to tell her about... The Belly-Button Monster!

Every night the belly button monster comes while you're sleeping. If you've been a good girl that day, he will leave a present in your belly button, but if you were a bad girl he leaves a dead spider.

She was so scared!

It was AWESOME!

Now, before you go looking up the number for child protective services, just think for a minute, is this little lie any different from the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy, or the Presidents Day Robot?

I don't think so.

And it's not like I'm really going to put a dead spider in her belly button, I'd make Z do that.

And even though she got into loads of trouble yesterday, cried about a thousand times because we called her Meici and not Kitty, and talked back to me like she was a teenager, she still woke up this morning with this:

A cute little Spongebob sticker on her cute little button.

My Day Today

2010-02-02T14:57:00.000-08:00

I was reading through my sent mail folder and discovered that over 50% of the emails I sent were all addressed to the same person and contained the exact same message.

They were all sent to my husband while he was at work. I wish I could tell you the message was something like "I love you baby, hurry home" but I can't. This was the message:

"Call my cell phone cuz I can't find it"

I sent this message to him pretty much every other day.

But now I have my new iphone and I love it so much I'll never lose it.

But I don't love it that much. And I really don't get all the hype surrounding the iphones. I can't get it to go online, the touchscreen doesn't work and what in the world are apps and how do I get them? I'm beginning to think this isn't an iphone at all. Maybe that's why it was only 20 bucks.

Meici was driving me crazy today. She just wouldn't stop talking. So I decided to play the shadow game with her.

Meici: "Mom, I'm not a kitty anymore, I'm the purple ninja turtle. Which one are you going to be? You can't be the purple one okay, because I'm the purple one."

Me: "Mom, I'm not a kitty anymore, I'm the purple ninja turtle. Which one are you going to be? You can't be the purple one okay, because I'm the purple one.

Meici: "No Mom, I said which TURTLE are you. But not the purple one. Ow! Evan just hurt my arm.

Me: "No mom, I said which TURTLE are you. But not the purple one. Ow! Evan just hurt my arm.

Meici (after a short pause of figuring out what's going on): "Meici do you want some candy?"

Me: Dang it!

I didn't know how to use the shadow game to your own advantage until, well today.

I entered this giveaway and now I'm blogging about it so I will get double entries. The prize is a 100 dollar gift certificate to Best Buy!

If I win I'm going to buy.... um... something they sell at their store. I don't think I've ever been there.

I hope it's not a dollar store.

In which I don't know how to use "In which I" in a blog title

2010-01-23T00:53:00.000-08:00

Well, I didn't win the giveaway so I was feeling a little depressed today. I decided to go run into some oncoming traffic, but we don't live on a very busy street, so too bad.
While I was out, I remembered how much I used to love jogging. I used to do it all the time, but I quit while I was in China because people would always point and stare and laugh and cough.

This is the street we used to live on. I know just what you're thinking, and I couldn't agree more, it is beautiful, isn't it.

Nobody runs in China, unless they've just stolen something or they're on fire. It's just not a common form of exercise.
Nope, this is how most people exercise in China

Public exercise equipment around every corner.

This must be why Chinese people are so healthy... and tired.

They also like to ride bikes. But I never saw anyone wearing a helmet. Most people just wore these welding mask things, just in case they had to perform an emergency weld.

And perfect if you're having a bad face day.

Anyway, it was sure nice going for a little jog here in America. My favorite part about jogging isn't the pain, soreness, hyperventilating, or even the vomiting.

It's the smells.

If you go for a run in the evening the smells are AMAZING! Except if garbage day is the next day and everyone remembered to take their garbage cans out to the curb, then the smells are just okay.

But every other day is fantastic.

Why? Because that's when people are making dinner and doing their laundry. The lasagna/downy smell is unbelievable. Sometimes I'll just stand by the side of someone's home, right next to the dryer vent, and try to guess which kind of detergent they use.

You'd be surprised by how many people will let a complete and sweaty stranger into their laundry rooms to see which detergent they're using.

ZERO!

about a giveaway I'm going to win, if you all don't mess it up for me

2010-01-16T00:11:00.000-08:00

My favorite blog designer, Gisele Jaquenod, is having a giveaway! I've been using her layouts for almost two years and I love them so much, I think I might just have to ignore them while I watch TV, like I do to all the other things I love.

The winner will receive a custom blog template! So go check out her website and all her cute and free templates. But if you could just maybe umm not enter the contest, that would help me out a lot, thanks. And as a reward for not entering, I'll have my own giveaway.

Sorry, I don't have my dandelion bouquet and peanut jar vase to offer you anymore, but I did just finish a banana, and I could give you the peel. I've heard banana peels make excellent compost. That's a lie, I've never actually heard that, I just figured they probably do.

Zombie Pets

2010-01-13T23:17:00.000-08:00

I think I need to start blogging more often because the other night while I was playing Earth Angel on the guitar at my parent's high school dance, my hand started disappearing.

It's gonna be hard to type with a fading hand but I can do it! I can do anything if I just believe in myself, that's how I buttoned Meici's jacket this morning, with faith.

Speaking of Meici, she's scared of zhu zhu pets. Uncle Nic got one for her and Evan for Christmas. It attacked her hair and we had to cut it out. There's a sign on the box that says "Keep away from hair" but Meici must have misread it to say

"PUT IT ON TOP OF YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW, IT'S LOTS OF FUN AND NOT PAINFUL AT ALL AND IF THE WHEELS GET TANGLED UP IN YOUR HAIR, YOUR HAIR WILL TURN INTO CANDY AND YOU'LL NEVER BE HUNGRY AGAIN, DO IT!!!"

I'm angry I didn't get a picture of the evil hamster trying to eat my daughter's brain, usually the first thing I do when my kids are in danger is get the camera, but I was a little worried the monster would come after me next so he had to be stopped immediately. So we had to cut that thing out of her hair. At least that old Chinese lady we saw at the store in Beijing is happy. Let me explain.

In China, every toddler under the age of three has a shaved head. They say it will help the hair grow back nice and thick. I think Meici was the only little girl in China that instead of a shaved head, had her own natural mullet (the top just doesn't grow).

So anyway, old Chinese ladies were constantly telling me that I needed to shave Meici's hair and put some socks on her feet because it was a frigid 92 degrees outside. Then I'd tell them in a real smart aleck voice "Why don't you go shave your own daughter's hair and let me parent the way I want to ok? Dude, I thought this was a free country! NOW SCRAM!" Then the lady would just stare at me in shame because she realized that she should have kept her nose in her own business. But my husband says she stared at me because she didn't understand a word I said since it was all in English.

Then he would say something to her in Chinese, roughly translated to mean "Wise elder of mine, you are most generous for bestowing your knowledge upon us this day. On our return home we will shave her hair at once and bathe her feet in warm soy milk. Infinite thanks to you Queen Grandma"

I'm glad to be back in the USA, where strangers don't care about the well-being of my children.

I'm a cheerleader!

2009-12-29T23:10:00.000-08:00

My hair is finally long enough to put in a ponytail!

I'm off to buy some scrunchies!

We're back from China and it smells good to be home.

2009-12-29T12:29:00.000-08:00

I made my husband bring us back to America. I just couldn't stand to live in a country that doesn't have eggnog. I guess I could have just made it myself, but then I'd have to find out the ingredients, and nobody should ever have to find out the ingredients to eggnog.

So we're back, for good. Just in time for boxing day Canada!

To make a long story short, we went to China to help out with my MIL's business; she ended up selling it and now we're back, starting over in a different country for the fourth time in our lives. There's so much I want to post in this blog about my time in China that I wasn't able to while I was there. Especially since this blog is the only record I keep of my life. This is like my scrapbook/journal and each year I'll print it out and stick it in a shoebox. But that means I'll have to buy some new shoes and new shoes are for rich people, which is why I've got like thousands of them, but then I wake up and look in my closet and all I see is a toilet because, oh yeah, I don't even have a closet.

I'm grateful for my time spent in China, I learned a lot. Like how to pretend like you're taking a picture of your kids, when really you're trying to capture an image of the eight-year-old, number twoing in the park, while her father stands proudly at her side.

More to come, later. We don't have our own internet power yet. Luckily we're living in an apartment complex surrounded by neighbors who don't put passwords on their wireless networks.
Thank you neighbors, and sorry I never make eye contact with you when I see you, or respond when you say hello, and run away when you try to introduce yourself... I'm just really shy.

Still Haven't Found Jon Huntsman

2009-06-30T06:39:00.000-07:00

Well, it took me more than a month but I finally saved up the 12 dollars needed to renew my American IP address.
You see, the only good thing about the internet in China are the millions of bootleg movies you can watch for free. Or maybe that's the only bad thing about the internet in China, I guess it depends on how honest of a person you are. So having a Chinese IP address is just bollocks. All the blogs are banned and so is that youtube site. So when I first got here I bought an American IP address so I could boogie board the web (I'm not at surfing status just yet) without any censorship. But it turned out that the address was only good for a month and then you had to pay more money for more months. But I didn't have more money so I had to get a job writing fortune cookie fortunes. They had me working really long hours, so if you get a fortune that reads "brain too ungood to write lucky cookie phrase" and your lucky numbers are "purple monkey dishwasher" I'm really sorry.

A lot has happened since my last post, for example Farrah Fawcett passed away on the worst possible day a celebrity could pass away on: the day Michael Jackson died.

But in opposite news, my husband celebrated his 26th birthday! Since I spent all of my fortune cookie money on my IP address I had to make him a gift with my bare two own hands.
This thing

His ties were just lying around collecting essence of mushu pork so I decided to make them their own little forbidden city.

China really brings out the genius in me, am I right?

Before After

I know it's a pretty pitiful present but that's what he gets for bringing me to a country that doesn't have an Albertson's right down the street where I can buy him a flashlight and a bucket of neapolitan ice cream like I usually do for his birthday.

Here are very many pictures for those of you who like seeing pictures.
For those who don't like pictures, GET OFF MY BLOG!

This is at the aquarium, the largest inland aquarium in our solar system. It was very auspicious.

The kids finished all their dried seaweed (that's what Evan's holding in the bottom picture) so they got to eat cotton candy for the first time in their lives while they watched the dolphin show.

June 1st was Children's Day, so Z caught the kids some grasshoppers. That's not a Chinese tradition or anything, Z just really likes grasshoppers.

Go ahead and click on the picture. My kids aren't abnormally small, those are just some really big grasshoppers.

This is the same lake the 2008 Summer Olympian Triathletes swam in. It's just down the street from our house.

Kids in puddles in the front yard.

Everything I Love About China

2009-05-05T09:41:00.000-07:00

It's shaped like a giant chicken with its feet cut off!

Because the feet are the tastiest part.

Hi Everybody!

2009-05-04T20:27:00.000-07:00

I guess I better hurry and write something before people start calling China and asking for me. If you've been thinking I drowned in a bowl of noodles or was eaten by a dragon (they have those here) don't worry I'm safe and sound, although there was a noodle incident, but I was never really in much danger, just a bit tangled.

The reason I haven't blogged in so long was because the batteries in the mouse died and the new ones were all the way over there. So my husband brought me over the laptop but he left before I could tell him it had no power and to please plug it in. So instead of turning my head slightly to the left to see if there was an outlet nearby, I decided to teach my kids about outlet safety: only plug things in if Mommy tells you to. We've got a really neat laptop that takes 2 months to charge, so that's the reason for my absence.

Anyway, we all made it to China, and I'm able to blog from behind the bamboo curtain because we have an American IP address, yippee! Now I can rummage through all of your blarbage without my IP address giving me away. And I can access sights like hulu and cwtv.com; I don't think I could go on living without knowing who America's Next Top Model was.

I just need to be careful about what I say about China, or the next time you see me I'll be on display at the body worlds exhibit, skinless and playing shuffleboard.

So yahoo, I'm able to blog, but because I'm millions of miles away from my birth family, I think I'll just use this blog as a way to keep them up to date on our wacky China life. I may even rename this blog "The Tong Family Adventures: Our Zany Life in a Blogshell".
Most of my posts will probably look a little something like this:

Picture Overload!

Today we went to China. It was fun. The kids were really good on the airplane and the food was actually pretty good, too. LOL!

This is just a picture I took while we were waiting at the San Fran airport. The chairs weren't very comfy but that didn't stop Z from taking a little nap, lol. He's so crazy!

Evan loved the flat escalators. When Extreme Makeover: Home Edition makes over our home I'll ask them to put one in his airport themed room.

Remember that scene in Honey I Shrunk the Kids, when they're all sleeping in the blue lego?
It's so romantic! ~sigh~

So everyone feel free to extinguish your visits to this blog; it's about to get pretty normal in here.

Yes, I'm Moving to China!

2009-01-30T09:48:00.000-08:00

I'm a bit puzzled as to why so many of you are so concerned about my husband moving to China.
He's from China, remember?
Haven't any of your husbands packed up and moved to their places of origin?

I hope I didn't give you the impression that he left me and the kids for good. He would NEVER do that; not while I'm holding the buy-eleven-Cafe-Rio-entrees-get-the-twelfth-one-free card. We've already bought the first ten but we're waiting to buy the eleventh and get our freebie for our 50th wedding anniversary. As long as I have that card nothing can come between us. He'd die before he'd waste a free meal.

Anyway, he has been wanting to move back to China for a long time now, but we have stayed here because I have a huge crush on garbage disposals, dishwashers and the freedom to blog. So we've stayed in America; he getting up early ever morning and going to work, and I staying home with the kids and flirting with my crushes; life was good... for me. He, on the other hand, was continually stressed and worried. He was working at a job that was great for the present, but didn't have much of a future; no ladder to climb. He kept telling me that if we lived in China he could find a much better job where we could actually save money! I kept telling him life was fine how it was; I could keep living like this forever. So what if I didn't have insurance; I'd just be extra careful when feeding stray wolves and playing with my garbage disposal. And who really needs to own a home anyway? Renters don't have to unclog their own toilets. So just calm down, honey and go to work. The kids are Asian, they'll get all the scholarships they need.

But one day while I was putting my kids' pictures on glass jars and writing "pwees feed me" on them and then asking grocery store owners if I could place the jars at the check-out counters, I realized that I'm kind of a selfish person. My husband was in a foreign country, speaking a foreign language and trying to understand this foreign culture; all while trying to support his family. If I expected him to be the one to earn the living then maybe he should be the one to decide where that living was lived. So I called him up at work and said lets go!

So he left to get things ready for our arrival, but now that he's been there for a couple weeks, and has seen his beloved country through the eyes of an American, he's realized it's not the perfect wonderland he remembered it as. Now that he has the good old United States of Awesomeness to compare it to, he's having second thoughts on weather or not to raise his family there. But that would mean the kids and I living here while he travels back and forth every few months. Which would be sweet if I couldn't stand this guy and only wanted to see him every couple months. But I can stand him, that's the problem. And I don't want him to always be flying back and forth over the Pacific Ocean; if they'd hurry and finish the under-water tunnel I read about then maybe I wouldn't mind so much, but air travel really freaks me out. Men weren't meant to fly; they were meant to tunnel and scooter. So, it's off to China we go, but not until next month. So I have time to perfect my squatting position; I'm getting really good at it, I've been squatting the entire time I've been typing this, and have only fallen over maybe 58 times.

Sorry I still haven't had the chance to make it over to all of your blogs. I share this computer with my three little brothers and my parents. So I've had to learn how to share. They're behind me right now, just waiting for their turn and wondering why I'm squatting. But once I move out I'll be sure to catch up on all of your blogs.
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments and emails.
I love you!
Really.

So Much Has Happened

2009-01-29T07:39:00.000-08:00

I'll just start where I left off.

My last post was around Thanksgiving. I'm so sorry I ruined all of your dinners. I know you were going to say you were thankful for having me in your blife when it was your turn to give the thankful-for speech, and instead you had to say something lame like family or butterflies. Sorry.

Anyway, while you were making a fool of yourself I was visiting my family in Southern Utah, and watching that movie Twilight!

I only have one thing to say about it:

My heart totally belongs to EdWaRd...

Scissorhands!

Well maybe I have a few more things to say about it, like "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" or "What the?!"

I give Twilight a chuckle and a snort and 2 head shakes of disappointment.

After Thanksgiving came a lot of Rock Band and Diner Dash. I always thought the highest score you could get on Rock Band was five stars but one cold afternoon while the kids were monopoling the walls (they get monopoly money wet and stick it to the walls; it's beautiful!) I learned the truth. If you are on the expert level and doing a perfect performance those five stars will turn GOLD! The day it happened to me was the happiest day of my life! Sorry day my kids were born, but labor stings real bad.

December brought a couple birthdays.

Meici turned two! I love you, Meici! Even though I don't dress you like I do!

I also had a birthday; I turned 25! I haven't rented a car yet, but soon... soon.

We also celebrated Jesus' birthday, AKA Christmas.

I had a great Christmas. My husband is definitely getting better at this whole gift giving tradition. He grew up in a small town in China where Santa didn't visit and birthdays were forgotten. The very first time he ever opened a present was on his 21st birthday, and it was from me. (It was two pairs of boxing gloves so we could box, and this year I got him a nerf gun set so we could nerf; what's wrong with me?) And you remember the story of his first birthday cake when he turned 12; it was a wedding cake with a bride and groom on top that he thought were action figures; poor kid. Anyway, the first two Christmases we spent together weren't celebrated at all because we lived in China and most of the people in China don't know about Jesus and wisemen and shepherds and angels and Mary and Joseph and stars and gingerbread. So I was so excited for our first American Christmas; I decorated the house, made some stockings, trimmed the tree and bought a bunch of gifts. Christmas morning came and we all opened our presents, well I should say they all opened their presents; I didn't get anything, ANYTHING! He didn't get me ANYTHING!

The next Christmas was a teeny tiny bit better, he got me a machine that melts the cheese in my sandwiches.

That's all.

I got him a playstation 3.
Yeah.

I was kind of used to spending my Christmases crying tears of greed. I remember one year when I was a kid all I asked for was a trash can with a lid that opens when you step on the pedal. That's all I wanted, A TRASH CAN! I was an awesome kid. Anyway, Christmas morning came and there under the tree was my trash can, my lidless foot pedalless trash can.

Life stinks!

So this Christmas I was expecting a pillowcase or maybe a big box of TIDE, so imagine my surprise when I opened a brand new something special!

Thank you sweetums; I really loved it, even though I returned it.

That pretty much brings you all up to speed. Oh wait there's one more thing. The kids and I moved in with my parents because Z quit his job and moved to China.

Here's the Story

2008-11-24T07:43:00.000-08:00

I was on the settings page, thinking about adding my blog to the listings and changing my settings so search engines could find me and wondering if I should enable transliteration, when the microwave beeped.
The corndogs were ready.
I got up from the computer, leaving the settings page on the screen.
Meici was in the kitchen staring at the microwave.
I got the corndogs out and then placed them back in the freezer to cool off.
Meici and I started counting down, 10-9-8-7-6-5-4 -3-2-1... CORN DOG TIME!!!
No not yet Meici, now do it in Chinese, yi-er-san-si-wu-liu-chi-ba-jiu-shi!
Okay now they're ready, here's your corn dog, but where's Evan, he never misses the corn dog countdown.
I walk down the hall and find him at the computer; he better not have posted some of my unfinished drafts, that would be terrible.

Little did I know that he could do much worse than post my draft about how Chinese cab drivers asked me to teach them naughty English words, and all I could come up with were poopsicle and jabberwocky.

He could do much worse.

Have you noticed that the DELETE THIS BLOG button is big and blue and one of the only clickable buttons on that settings page?
Well it is.
I know he's only 3 and a half but he can work a mouse like a four year old. Probably because he spends hours and hours every day popping virtual bubble wrap.

I keep telling myself that he didn't mean it, that is was only an accident.
He knows the word "Dog" starts with a D, so maybe he thought by clicking the DELETE button, he would get a puppy.

But I can't help but think he knew exactly what he was doing. Maybe this was his way of saying, "Mom, that's enough!"

So, I'm going to take this as a sign and see what my life would be like without blogging.
Part of me is saying, "But Mary, a blogless life is not worth living!!!"
But the other part is saying, "Yes, she's absolutely right; you listen to her Mary! BLOG, NOW! "
But the two most important parts of me, the parts that are pulling on my arms and legs right now demanding to be fed, are saying "Feed me!"
Maybe I was spending too much time in front of the computer.
Do you want to know what we had for dinner last week?
Sandwiches, cereal and leftover cereal.
I think it's time for me to start getting my priorities straight. My family deserves a little Pasta Roni every once in a while.

I'll be back, I promise.

Blog Suicide Perhaps?

2008-11-23T09:42:00.000-08:00

Suicide? Are you kidding me? That glob of blog was a rising star.
Had you noticed how many followers it had up until it's death?
Thousands!
And every single one of it's posts had at least a couple hundred comments; even that post announcing the return of egg nog.
I even heard it was approaching it's 200th post and had something so amazing planned that all the other blogs would be telling their blogkids about it for decades to come.
This blog was so weak and in love with attention, it never even thought about thinking about committing suislog.

No, this blog was... murdered!

I'll tell you all what happened someday, but right now it's too hard to type through the tears.
I should really get back to my crying corner.