Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to the best mom ever, Theresa, from Long Island Medium. I hope I'm half the mother you are when I'm dead.

I hope everyone had a fabulous Mother's Day.
Yes, everyone!
Including all the mothers in the animal kingdom, even giraffes, but not kangaroos. Mother kangaroos already get more than enough praise. So what you have a built in pouch that you carry your babies in, big deal! I sling my kids over my shoulders, turtles abandon their unborn in a hole at the beach, and hamsters eat their young- I don't care! We're all mothers, so stop bragging about the stupid baby pocket, kangaroos,  I'm just so sick of it!

What else am I so sick of?
My family completely forgetting about Mother's Day again.

So, I wake up to my usual breakfast in bed, just like I do every Sunday.
Get ready for church and take our weekly picture.

Come home to a clean house and fresh flowers.
Take a two hour nap while my husband cooks my favorite foods, just like he does every day. 

Read the cards my kids made for me. 
Again, something I make them do on a weekly basis. They complain about it now but they'll thank me for it when they're older and can't remember how much they love me.

Take a family walk to the park.

Come home and eat the free cupcakes I got from The Sweet Tooth Fairy. They were giving them away yesterday to all the ladies. I wore a disguise (put my glasses on) and got a second free cupcake because they didn't recognize me. Thanks for the idea, Superman.

Then I fell asleep watching Good Burger.

A pretty typical Sunday, except sometimes my naps are only an hour and a half long instead of two. 

I guess the extra half hour was my gift. 

Gee, thanks.

Not!

I WANTED A HUG COUPON!!!

Why doesn't anyone want to hug me?

...oh yeah... the leprosy. 

The Tattered Pineapple

Well, it finally happened.
Geetha emailed me.
You know Geetha, from the Shabby Apple Team.
I assume she's the one in charge of  making sure all the apples are shabby enough to be made into... swim caps? 

I think?

 

 

I went to their site and that was on the main page.

Anyway, here's a little snippet of the email Geetha wrote to me personally:

 

Dear Admin,
I work for Shabby Apple.  We love your website and really like your content and its focus on women.  We believe that many of our customers are readers of yours.

 

See how she calls me "Admin" it's probably short for Admirable. I bet she just couldn't find my name anywhere on my "website" because I'm not one of those narcissistic bloggers who names their entire blog after themselves.

 

 

And she loves my website and it's content that focuses on women.

Yep, nailed it! I'm totally about women content.

 

And she believes that many of her customers are readers of mine.

I KNEW IT!

I've heard my blog helps induce vomiting so why would anyone besides beautiful skinny models want to read this garbage?

 

 

Then she goes on to say:

 

I am writing to invite you to join our affiliate program. As a Shabby Apple affiliate, you will earn a 5% commission on all sales that you generate through...

 

blah blah blah bob lablaw blah... blame it on the rain yeah yeah, cause the rain don't mind and the rain don't care. You got to blame it on something.

 

Oh.

Sorry.

Once I see a number and a percent sign I get confused and start singing Milli Vanilli songs. 

I've never been good with percentages; I just buy milk based on lid color and a little song:   

 

Red cap- full o'fat 

Blue lids- for the kids

Pink top- gross just stop

Green ones, yeah I think that's the kind you like, Mary get that one and oh look it's on sale 50% off.. Girl you know it's true, ooh ooh ooh, I love you!     

 

Anyway, she wanted me to advertise on my blog.

 

Dude, if I had a nickel for every time someone has wanted me to put ads up on my blog for them I'd have... let's see 5+1=.... They're coming to America. They're coming to America. Today!

Sorry, addition gets me all Neil Diamondy.

Just Be Nice, Kid!

There's a girl at school being mean to Meici. 

It's not too bad. It's not like this girl sits behind Meici in class and dips Meici's hair in ink, or calls her carrots, or dares her to walk the ridgepole of Mr. Barry's kitchen roof.

She's just a little bit of a brat that needs to learn how to be nice. 

When Meici gets on the crowded bus the mean kid holds up her hand and says, "nu-uh, no way, you're not sitting by me." She's done this on several occasions, even when there aren't many seats left. Meici doesn't say a word back to her and just goes to the back and asks nicer kids if she can sit.
And at recess Mean Girl was, I don't know, passing out candy cigarettes or fliers promoting her band or something- I don't know what was being passed around but everyone seemed to want one. So Mean Girl was soaking up all the fame and attention when Meici approached the crowd and, in front of everyone, Mean Girl said, "Don't worry guys, everyone can have one! Ewwww.... except for HER!" (pointing right at Meici) 

I asked Meici why this kid is being so rude to her but she has no idea. She doesn't really even know her; they're both in kindergarten and ride the same bus and that's it. Meici is really nice and friendly to her but the kindness is not being returned. 

Zi told Meici that all she needs to do is slap this kid in the face and that will solve everything. Then I gave him my we-don't-condone-violence-in-this-family look and he changed his mind to, just throw gum in her hair or a grasshopper down her shirt and that will solve everything.

I told her to just use her words. Words like, "stupid" and "head" can be more powerful than gum and grasshoppers.

She just frowned, looked at us and said she'll keep being nice to her for the rest of her life because that's the right thing to do.

Okaaaaaaay.... good luck with that. 

Then I got to wondering how anyone could not like my daughter.

Not like me, I get, I'm super unlikable. 

But Meici? 

Whaaaa?

Her heart is pure and kind, her personality is sharp and quirky, and her belly is full of string cheese!

What's not to like?

Yesterday, when she was finished eating spaghetti, she went to the bathroom to wash and then came running to me screaming, "Mom, I've really grown up! I ate spaghetti and I only got my mouth and neck a little messy, I didn't get sauce all over my shirt, and arms, and hands, and forehead, and hair like I used to when I was five!" 

See? 
She's amazing! 
  
 Okay, well sometimes when you're in the bathroom eating the secret cupcake you've been hiding in the fridge for the past week, you know the one behind the bucket of kimchi and right next to the tofu cube, she'll barge in on you and take a picture. 

I'll admit it, that's annoying. 

And sometimes she wears this panda vest to school. 

And you see that phone next to her? That's what she asked Santa for for Christmas last year. She saw it at the thrift store and just had to have it! But I said to her, "Hey kid, we didn't come to this thrift store to buy you smelly old junk, we came here to buy you smelly old pants!"

So she asks Santa for antique phones... so what? 

Other than that she's really cool. 

Bow Down Before Your New Baby Idol

Oliver won! 
Thanks so much to everyone who voted for Oliver. What can I ever do to repay you? (please don't say vote for your baby in your local radio station's baby contest, that's just too much to ask don't you think?) 

Kidding! 
I could so do that; I'm really good at it now.
 
I especially want to thank the citizens of The People's Republic of China, I don't think we would have won without them (for people who aren't allowed to vote, they're sure good at voting).
We definitely took advantage of Chinese social media. A lot of people said the world wasn't ready for a Chinese 97.1ZHT Baby Idol, but today those people were proved wrong, well at least half wrong, Oliver is only half Chinese.

Anyway, here's a picture of the idol himself, reacting to the news of his win.

 And here he is moments later feeding Thomas the Tank Engine an apple slice. 

Again, THANK YOU! 

DISNEYLAND, YAY! 

Hi!

These were my last two facebook updates:

Really great lesson in church today. 
Man, I'm an amazing teacher. 

                  and

I love it when my kids laugh in their sleep. 
They're probably remembering a funny joke I told them. 

C'mon, Mary that's not like you at all; you should be ashamed. 
I am. 
I'm usually the most humble person who's ever... hmmm.... can't say lived, that would be blasphemy.... I'm usually the most humble person who's ever danced to the song "My Life Would Suck Without You" by Kelly Clarkson. 
If you've been reading my blog for any amount of time you would have noticed that I'm all about self-deprecating..... myself? Is that how you say it? Sounds redundant.
I don't know what's brought on this sudden bout of pride. Although it might have something to do with that instance last week when Debbie Worthen, KUTV's blond meteorologist, smiled and held the door open for me at TJ MAXX.  She held the door open for me! And I think we all know what the means- she thinks I'm better than her. 
Even though she goes on TV every day and CONTROLS THE WEATHER! Like an X-Men or something.

So yeah, my ego really needs to be taken down a couple notches. (at first I spelled notches as "knotches", with a kidding-K at the front,  but the red line appeared underneath it. So then I deleted the e because I thought that must be the incorrect letter- nope. It couldn't be the K right? ...It was) 
See everyone, I'm an imbecile! (not even going to tell you how long it took me to get that word right. (4 minutes)) 
Where am I going with this?
Not sure. 

Oh yeah.

765

It really is a cute number don't you think? Look at it all descending in order like it thinks it knows something. 
Aw... adorable.